the escape

I wrote out our names in both blood and sand

Not knowing that all you wanted was ink

I told you that I did not understand

But we were just waiting for us to sink

.

Ink fades, blood stains, and sand shifts with the tide

Nothing true is real, nothing real is true

For you, we know, I would have gladly died

But I just would not, could not, live for you

.

Under drowning moons, upon burning seas

I danced towards an edge you could not stand

You dragged me back, with chains around my feet

But I was never made to crawl this land

.

And so I waited until darkness came

Even though I swore I wanted that light

But not at the cost of a cage built of blame

I’d rather burn, free, alone in this night.

Ending Infinity

There was a place not too long in the past

Where all our goodbyes, I know I was still counting

But now that we are here, long past the last

I look back but cannot seem to place the ending

.

It seems I can’t even speak of the end

Without taking a trip back to the beginning

Like I can’t even begin to pretend

To separate all of the sin from the sinning

.

Maybe it’s just all the blood on my hands

Ledger Red that I cannot seem to leave behind

In shades of the memories I can’t stand

Like a tune that will not stop playing in my mind

.

Perhaps you truly were looking for peace

Even if you had a strange way of showing it

With all your threats to bring me to my knees

And always on the verge of throwing it

.

It used to make me want to laugh, you know

How your blade in my throat was your idea of peace

But before I was caught in that undertow

For far longer, it only made me want to weep

.

How did we even get here, I wonder

We, who used to hold each other so carefully

How could we tear each other asunder?

How did we even reach that place of no mercy?

.

Maybe you did just want bloodless and kind

Maybe I was the one turning battles to wars

For the blood on my hands may be more mine

But I wish none of it at all had to be yours

.

There was a place, not long ago, I know

Where I was still counting all our goodbyes

But nothing of it remains any more

Nothing true, but not even any of our lies.

.

Begun: December 2016

Finished: April 2022

Edited: August 2023

Excuse me

You know what I just realized (for the thousandth time)?

That circumstances, situations, states of mind, emotions, provocations, intoxicants – everything outside of us, really – are all just excuses.

We do what we want.

And we are who we choose to be.

We just find a way to be what we want as easily as we do to want what we are.

Sometimes because it is all too much to take, sometimes because it isn’t enough.

I’ve cried, fought, bled, made, broken and kept promises, chosen to live and tried to die and decided to keep moving forward – done the exact same things, basically, made the exact same choices – both because I don’t want and because I can’t seem to want enough.

None of this is new, nor revelationary enough to warrant recording.

Still, it is funny. Dying to feel just as desperately as dying not to.

Tch.

I miss myself.

Even the blood.

Especially the fire.

It doesn’t help, knowing I have so much more of it all inside.

Containing it within has always been the hard bit anyway.

And the way this war goes is as familiar as it is strange.

I miss my self.

Especially the fire.

Even the blood.

Inevitability

The first time they met, the setting sun shone brightly for a moment, blinding after days of dark storm clouds.

Much later, in that twilight place, no golden sun marked their next meeting, only the crimson of spilled blood.

Now, after all these years, that past reaches out; a river of red amidst a sea of black.

There have been as many storms in the skies above, as have been at their feet below.

And more blood spilled than either of them could have ever even imagined, let alone wanted.

Not that it matters much, now, caught in ocean currents, borne ceaselessly into the future.

Once, they believed in the inevitability of them, of finding their way back, always.

For however dark the road, brighter were the lights that lit their way.

But, most water, like all time, can only flow in one direction.

And there is no going back, not for them, not anymore.

Which is probably for the best, all said and done.

For even if it wasn’t wholly dark and bloody.

Even if the sun shone, bright and golden.

Even if they were truly happy, once

It was only ever, always, momentarily

For nothing gold can last

Especially not the past

So, sail forward.

Bloodied, golden.

Alone.

Live.

Die.

Be.

RIP CHESTER BENNINGTON

The first time I heard a Linkin Park song, I was about 13. ‘One Step Closer’ was the first, but it was ‘In The End’, the second, that quickly became a personal favorite, retaining its place in the top ten of my heart for the last 16 odd years, regardless of how distant I eventually came to be from the band that was there, with me and for me, while I was growing up.

The voices of Mike Shinoda and Chester Bennington were my sources of light through some pretty dark times, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating in the slightest when I say that were it not for their music, I may not have escaped with my life, certainly not my sanity. And I know a lot of people feel that way. That is as remarkable as the untimely loss of Chester is tragic, though I suppose I must also admit that we would have never been ready to say goodbye. Apparently Chester was ready though. And I hope with all my heart that he finds the peace he was seeking. May he know no more sorrow…

I’ve spent the last four days catching up on two years of music that I seem to have somehow missed out on, and, now, his voice is in my ears, in my head, and I can’t… find the right words to articulate the profound sense of grief and loss I am experiencing. There are no right words.

Like I have just watched an Angel fall.

Requiescat in pace, Chester Bennington.

Thank you for everything, brother.

Love,

Always,

Me.

The One Thing

Is it really so difficult to do?
The one thing I truly ask of you?
Anything for me, you’d always say
So please leave me alone, get out of my way.

There’s nothing for you here,
and my patience is thinning.
I’m tired of your lies,
this cycle of atonement and sinning.
Go where you must,
you know i will not stop you,
turn into fire or dust,
there’s nothing left to be true to.
Continue or cease breathing,
Just leave me alone.
Your heart may be bleeding,
but mine has turned to stone.

And i shall not ask again
so don’t mistake this for a request
You may want to haunt the city of men,
but, leave me to find my rest.
And, so, don’t come knocking on my door.
for if you do, you’ll find it barred.
You may delight in sleeping on the cold hard floor,
but i’ve had my fill of scars.
And, i know you think, you truly believe
that my hatred will come to an end,
but what you want, you will never receive
And you will think thrice before calling me a friend.

So, please, leave me alone and get out of my way.
Anything for me, you would always say
Then why is it so hard for you to do
the one thing that i truly ask of you?

.
Prompt: First three lines from 14.03.2013

Leave Me Alone

6th October 2008

Leave me alone…

Were those not your last words to me, dear Sayuri?

They must have been.

I still remember that night you know…

It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.

I could have asked.

I should have said something.

Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!

Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.

And you smiled back.

Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?

That you cared enough to try and smile for me even though you were sad…

Though, I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you…

Still, as you walked away in that light rain

with the shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the dark night in your inky black dress…

I thought that there was still a chance that we could fix the mess we had made.

Thought things were finally getting better…

I didn’t say a word.

And the next morning they told me you were dead.

Wait a minute Sayuri darling.

Let me pour myself a drink. It’s been too long.

And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!

Sorry, where was I?

I remember the day we spent at the beach

It seems like such a long long time ago

Akane was there too, along with him.

That was nice.

We laughed a lot, all of us.

Sang silly songs all the way there and back.

And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.

As if nothing had been broken.

Like you could not see the past anymore.

And I don’t know if that hurt or helped.

But, I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face

and I liked the black dress you wore…

like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...

Another drink, Sayuri.

Just hold on.

No, I’m not drinking too much.

Just another shot…

You know what?

I wish I knew you before…

Before all the pills, and the drinking…

I know you’d be mad at me for saying this

I know you would say it would have been the same…

But would it have?

Maybe then you would have said you loved me

Maybe then I would have said the same…

Maybe I would have stopped by that night.

We wouldn’t have had that stupid argument…

Do you remember that night?

I do.

I wish I didn’t.

But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice…

And so, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.

I won’t be able to forget the screaming

the thunder

the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b’day)

the yelling

the tears that filled up in your eyes – the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall…

I’ll never forget the way you looked at me that night

The anger

the disbelief

and the pain…

‘Just leave me alone.’

Want to know a secret?

It wasn’t the screaming that made me leave…

It was that look.

Your words.

I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you…

and I realized I had.

Over and over,

So, I packed up my bags and left.

Didn’t even kiss you goodbye.

Left you alone, with only your “substances” for company.

Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.

Didn’t even offer to help.

Didn’t call.

Didn’t bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.

Didn’t say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.

Didn’t say anything when I saw the first bruise.

Didn’t listen to the rumors…

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know he hurt you.

I didn’t want to know.

So… I didn’t.

I don’t know why I smiled at you last night, Sayuri.

Perhaps I thought it was finally time.

Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.

But I didn’t say a word…

Would things be different if I had spoken to you?

Would it have changed anything?

Would they still find your body in that bathtub?

I wonder what the last thing you thought of was…

Were you scared?

Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?

Did it hurt?

Leave me alone…

Those were your last words to me…

and I wish I had never listened…

Unforgiven II: Flashback

It looked like rain, Lord Stone thought distractedly, as he made his way towards the North Quadrant of the Castle grounds. He could see her at the top of the tallest tower, the deep red gown framed against the twilight sky. A familiar sight, he thought warmly, despite the cold and exhaustion seeping through his bones.

He climbed the long flight of stairs to the chamber at the top. Home, came the unbidden thought. For now, he corrected himself sternly. The war was moving North, and he would have to set off with his men, soon.

He flung off his cape as soon as he entered the room, not pausing as he moved to the balcony, where she stood leaning against the railing.

She smiled at him as he walked up to her and kissed her forehead, and somewhere in time and space, a heart shattered into pieces. But the two of them didn’t hear a thing over the thunderclouds that hung over them like carrion birds come to claim their prey.

They stood together in silence for a while, watching farmers and village folk scurry around in the distance, preparing for the incoming storm. Another familiar sight he would miss once the war began in earnest. Suppressing a sigh, he inclined his head slightly towards her, and she smiled without turning to face him.

“What?”, they said together, and her smile turned into a grin.

“Why are you sighing?” she asked, sniffing at him curiously.

“I am not,” he replied, indignant.

“Okay.. Why are you not sighing?”

He looked at her for a moment, before turning away and fixing his gaze on the horizon.

She followed his stare.

“Storm’s coming.”

“I know.”

“It’s not safe here.”

“I can look after myself.”

He shook his head, frustrated at her stubborn refusal to go back to the city, where he wouldn’t have to worry about her.

“I will leave soon”, he said, a coldness creeping into his voice that he wasn’t proud of.

She turned to face him, and he could feel her eyes searching his face for something he damn well was not going to let her find.

She closed her eyes and turned towards the setting sun again.

“I will wait for you. Here.”

I don’t want you to, he thought. I’d rather you be safe and happy. I don’t think I will return. And, I cannot take you with me. I won’t be able to protect you. I only want to protect you.

He said nothing. Only took her cold hand in his own as he watched her raise her face to catch the rain that had just begun to fall, fixing the memory of her smile in his mind and hoping she would someday forgive him for what he knew he would have to do.

She opened her eyes just as a flash of lightning illuminated the skies, and for an instant, he saw a glimpse of the path she could have taken, the severity with which she could ensure retribution. But then she turned towards him, only mercy in her eyes, and he knew he had nothing to worry about. She’d forgive him nearly anything.

Nearly.

The First Sonnet: Words in Vain

Note: My first attempt at writing in an Iambic pentameter. Phew, that was hard. Fun, but hard. Inspired loosely by the Dune series. As in, I had Lady Jessica in my mind a lot when I was writing this… Muad’Dib’s mother.. Don’t know why..

.

.

The words I know, and moments sunk in time

cannot suffice to mend this burning sphere

For I am lost in words that no more rhyme

and ghosts of people who were never here

It scares me that this world is changed to fire,

A desert fuelled by hate and crude despair

And all of these betrayals leave me tired

Cannot one see how hard I tried to care?

May I tell you a secret? We could stay;

and I could swear to never speak of Rain

Within your deep embrace I’d find escape,

Though we both know I bleed these words in vain,

For there is little you would have me say

And I love you in ways words can’t explain.

Everything I’ve Got

The first time that you reached out across the abyss and slipped your hand into mine, that was the first time that I ever felt connected to anything.

The years and even decades spent in existence before that first moment, every single moment of my life before I learnt of you – it all feels like a colorless dream.

You bled meaning into my life – something I had been trying to do for years.

You bled meaning into my life – When *I* hadn’t been able to do so for years..

You were the first light to reach me in what felt like millennia of darkness.

And, whatever you ask of me, I cannot refuse you,

you know that…

…

If I could, I would kneel before your reclining shadow, and beg you to reconsider your decision, but my words get lost in this darkness… And I don’t know how I can reach you, or if I ever will be able to again. Instead, I only remember how your skin felt against mine, and the way you’d say my name before you’d fall asleep, or the way you’d instinctively draw me closer when the winter wind would rattle your windows late at night. The way you said goodbye, the way you’d meet me when we had been separated for any longer than a day, the weight of your lips upon my forehead, the way my hand would glow in yours, the precipices you brought me down from, the Sky we shared in all its madness. I remember the sound of your voice, and the shape of your smirk and the taste of your smile. I remember things that won’t let me sleep at night, and things that won’t stop burning, and things that lay upon my heart like a Shadow that I dare not ask to leave.

Because

it is all I have left

of you.

I am cold. And weary.

I only wanted this to last for as long as it could.

I am sorry if I have let you down

or hurt you in any way.

Thank you.

For Everything.