RIP CHESTER BENNINGTON

The first time I heard a Linkin Park song, I was about 13. ‘One Step Closer’ was the first, but it was ‘In The End’, the second, that quickly became a personal favorite, retaining its place in the top ten of my heart for the last 16 odd years, regardless of how distant I eventually came to be from the band that was there, with me and for me, while I was growing up.

The voices of Mike Shinoda and Chester Bennington were my sources of light through some pretty dark times, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating in the slightest when I say that were it not for their music, I may not have escaped with my life, certainly not my sanity. And I know a lot of people feel that way. That is as remarkable as the untimely loss of Chester is tragic, though I suppose I must also admit that we would have never been ready to say goodbye. Apparently Chester was ready though. And I hope with all my heart that he finds the peace he was seeking. May he know no more sorrow…

I’ve spent the last four days catching up on two years of music that I seem to have somehow missed out on, and, now, his voice is in my ears, in my head, and I can’t… find the right words to articulate the profound sense of grief and loss I am experiencing. There are no right words.

Like I have just watched an Angel fall.

Requiescat in pace, Chester Bennington.

Thank you for everything, brother.

Love,

Always,

Me.

Advertisements

Just another day in Skyrim

A pretty little pond.

A pretty little pond.

Killed another Dragon today. After so very long. A Frost one. Thought it would brighten things up, but no such luck.. Came across this really beautiful pond though; called Mara’s eye. Or something. It was fuckin’ pretty while it snowed, and even more so when it stopped. Wait, lemme just find a pic.

It’s amazing what kind of wonderful places you can fall into while running for your life. ♥ Must remember that.. [Seems profound]

Though, sometimes I wish I could just fast-travel into the future. An uncharted water-body (half-snowy, but like spring), would undoubtedly be refreshing… but I am just so ready to be done with this entire quest.

*rubbing her eyes tiredly* I guess this is what Ezio knew to be the Bleeding Effect. Desmond. Shloka. Whatever.

And, I didn’t even have the time to Prophesize Death today! 😦
Damn it! These are *my* holidays! Mine! If I want to prophesize Death, then in the name of all the Ancients, that’s what my soul’s green fragmented shards and I shall do, Yahweh Damn it!

No, too tired. 😦

[I really want to smoke with the Lord of Hell, and the one who first realized that God’s absence was complete. I have some serious questions. And, yes, I know what killed the last Cat.

(o) Evil, be thou his good?
(o) “Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?”

The Cost of Living is High Enough to permit it all; Death.
It’s all about Free Will.

Which reminds me, Does anyone have some spare shots of happiness/oblivion? Hell is out, and Heaven’s all preachy.]

P.S. This is why I (should) avoid sobriety. :\

The Devil’s Advocate

It took me about 16 years to get around to watching this movie. Despite nearly a decade of being obsessed with Keanu Reeves, six years of which I’ve been at law school. Why now? And, what am I supposed to do with this, now?

Free will. It’s like butterfly wings: once touched, they never get off the ground. No, I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.” – John Milton

What am I going to do? Whatever I want to? But, what do I want to do? Aaargh! It’s all just a God-damned test! All of fuckin’ everything! Damn it!

Why am I questioning my own existence?

Because! Because, because, because! It’s all ’bout free will. What we are, we choose to be. We choose. That changes everything. But, it doesn’t really matter what you choose. Because, we think the ability to make the choices we wish to make makes us free, but in reality, human beings choose the same things for the same reasons. Time after time after time. And we’re all headed in the same direction. And, the Devil was right about us. What if he’s also right about God? How can you choose options without knowing the end towards which you’re working towards? And, what can we know of the end, when we can’t even know the past, or understand the present?

I’m not questioning my existence as much as I’m trying to deal with the fact that I must do whatever I have to in order to reach wherever I want, whenever I want. When I know Nothing. Nothing. 

And, that’s why it’s a test, right? Because you first learn the questions, then look for the answers. And everybody fails. That’s why it’s a ‘damned’ test. Lol. 

Do we really amuse God? Does God even exist? What the hell are we all doing on this forsaken piece of rock, floating around a giant ball of fire, in endless, growing, empty space?!!

What is everything about? :\
The system isn’t like air because we didn’t invent air. The system is entirely a product of thousands of years of humans expressing their free will. Even when you bow your head before a God, or hijack a plane because you’ve been indoctrinated, it’s because you have free will. You can always choose.

And, I’m not saying that we know what we want. I don’t have a clue. But, more importantly, how are we supposed to know? You can only make educated guesses as to things that you perceive as making you happy, and chase them. But, with every moment, you change, and things are too static. Thoughts, too dynamic. Words, too easy. Feelings, too complicated and unreliable. Dreams are illusions. Point being, there is nothing trustworthy enough to follow, or chase, or want.

What if you strive towards nothing? Living in the moment is one thing, but does that mean that the meth addict in the tiny shack down the dirty alley is happier than someone who plans everything out for their next day, right down to the tie-pin? The “test”, I don’t mean it in a religious sense of the word. Not even spiritual, bless that poor over-hyped word. I mean, objectively, the action of living is a test. And, it’s a test we’re all designed to fail. We’re designed to fail this test as a species. And, as individuals, we take the fall-out society, after society, after society. Just like society suffers for the sins of individuals. And, that’s the messed up part. That, while society is supposed to be for the betterment of human civilization, the real war, every time, is the individual vs the Society within which he exists. Even if they are hallucinations or virtual realities.

But, yes, I agree with you there. As Decartes said, “I think, therefore I exist.”

Lastly, I’m not in Test mode! I loathe being tested, you know that? I hate it. I mean, I get it if there’s something you want from me. By all means, test me to see whether I would work out. But, it’d be nice if you would first ask me whether I would be okay with giving you whatever it is that you wanted, right? Don’t just test me, assuming the rest will work itself out. Free Will. It’s important to me. 

Also, I can’t stop thinking about God, or the Devil. Just like I can’t stop thinking about Good and Evil and Right and War and Death and Innocence and the price of everything, the value of everything. I need to understand everything. I don’t ignore the people around me. But, only because they teach me about all these things. People and their complicated, sinful, joyful lives. Every person is a step closer to the complete view of the World.

What we are, we choose to be. We have every choice imaginable to us. *Everything* is permitted, because nothing is true. Did I already say that? But, it is so so important. You have every choice you can think of; it’s just you to tell yourself doing something is too impossible. Problem is, human kind confuses ends with means. You only have full control over yourself, and how you react to things that befall you. You can’t choose to be happy. But, you can choose to not dwell on the past, or take up a hobby to distract you. You can’t choose to have a loving marriage, but you can choose to marry someone you think you will probably be compatible with/someone you love, and be really nice to them. You can’t choose to die laughing, but you can choose to live laughing, so that death finds you that way, no matter where and when it approaches you.

But, human beings don’t get that. We make wishes, and want happiness, and cry when things don’t go our way. Regardless of the fact that not even a minute fraction of the Universe’s existence ago, we were atomic particles in a gaseous ball of fire a kazillion miles away, and it is just pure, unbelievable Luck that has let us exist in this form – as living breathing organisms with thoughts, memories and the ability to experience things. Everything that happens is good. Because something is better than nothing. And, you have all eternity to be star dust again.

So, my question to your answer stays the same – If everything is about me, then what am I?

What I am is what I choose to be.

(With no clue as to what the basis for my choices should be)

Advocating for the Devil

If you look at it, Lucifer was only exiled from Heaven because of his refusal to bow down and serve humanity, whom he considered an inferior race. Considering he was one of the first two sons of God, in the form of Samael, and was nearly the embodiment of Free Will itself, what he says when challenging the heavenly host does make sense, “If all God wanted from me was obeisance, he wouldn’t have made me capable of thinking for myself.”

Further, though there is a lack of consensus as to his motivations [He wanted to rule mankind, he wanted to take over heaven, he wanted to overthrow God as the supreme being], his intentions are believed to have been one, and not that ignoble, namely: To escape out of God’s plan. In other words, all Lucifer wanted was to not be a pawn or a puppet.

Lets take a look at the “facts”:

God’s first two creations/sons were Samael (Lucifer) and Michael, and he used Lucifer to bring Stars and galaxies and Suns into existence, while he used Michael to bring “Life” into these Worlds, thus completing them. It’s after this that he created the Heavenly Host, which is the rest of the archangels, as well as the regular angels. Michael and Lucifer were always closer to each other than to the others, because Lucifer accepted that Michael was the “elder” (eldest) brother, and listened to *no one* else.

God himself loved Lucifer most, even more than he did Michael, because Lucifer was sharp and keen and never missed a thing, and God considered him his most perfect creation, especially in the way he searched the Universe for new and fascinating things, bringing them into existence by observation (which was originally the point of angels, before humanity was created).

About this time, because Lucifer was so awesome at stuff, and because Michael was not half as ambitious, God determined that Lucifer should watch over Earth, and Lucifer was absolutely fascinated with all life, and this period includes the dinosaurs, the first mammals, etc.

However, once Mankind was created, Lucifer was constantly in conflict with God, as well as the other angels, because God asked all of the angels to serve mankind, and Lucifer was convinced of their imperfection, which he held in contempt. He saw humans as treacherous, murderous beings, and refused to venerate them as God wanted. These arguments he kept having convinced quite a few angels (namely 1/3rd of the Heavenly host), but the majority of Heaven saw his words as ungrateful, and saw him as someone trying to take over the Throne of God.

Around this time, God suddenly cuts. And, the burden of ruling/governing heaven falls on the archangels. Michael sits himself in the tower of God, all depressed for having been deserted by God, but still governs it in terms of making decisions, and watching over everything. Lucifer first goes to Michael, and tells him that he doesn’t trust humans, and that he believes them to be even more vile than the beasts over which he has watched for millions of years. Though Michael loves Lucifer greatly, he sees Lucifer’s words as dangerous, and quite a few angels had already filled his tired mind with poison regarding Lucifer and his intentions. Harsh words are exchanged between the two. And, Lucifer basically tells him, “Bro, you may be the older brother, and our father may be God, but no one is the Boss of me.”

After a while, the arguments turn into full out rebellion. Though, the clever way the holy book never tells us what exactly started the war leads me to believe that Lucifer did not start the War, per se. Anyhow, once it did start, it was madness and chaos, and, of course, no one is as bad ass as Lucifer, so he started kicking everyone’s ass. I know Gabriel played a large role in what happened next. Because, he was the only other angel that both Michael and Lucifer equally loved and trusted. Anyhow, I think he runs to Michael, and tells him that Lucifer was going to get himself into trouble, and that he (Michael) had to stop him. Michael relents, and shows up with his sword, and Lucifer taunts him for being nothing more than a puppet of God, and Michael finally loses his temper, and they start fighting like crazy, and Lucifer takes on the form of a dragon [coz I think he really liked the dinosaurs :\] and they’re all going at it like a bunch of quarrelsome little boys. And God comes back, and he’s like, “What the..?”

And, Lucifer says “Humans suck, God! And I don’t wanna serve them! And, I’m your son, not your slave! You gave me the power of free will, but everything any of us do, it’s all supposed to be within your ‘plan’. Well, I can’t take it! If that’s all I am to you, I’d rather be nothing to you at all! I want out!”

And, God said, “You want your own realm? You wanna be free of ‘My Plan’? You want to truly exercise your free will? And, prove just how despicable human beings are? Well, I have just the place for you!”

And, Wham! Lightning strike to Hell. The first son, exiled. Made an example of. But also freed without God having to change the rules for everyone. Also, he got someone to look after Hell. If the most flawed and disturbing humans could see this perfect being amongst them, maybe God thought it would be an even better prison. And, which other child of God was capable enough of dealing with the worst of humanity? Why expose his angels, who were supposed, and required, to believe in the goodness of man, to the kind of filth mankind is actually capable of? And, after all, mankind was a kinda experiment… If Lucifer was right.. well, God knows that he (Lucifer) can handle them all.
[Okay, this last part is all just me trying to make sense of God’s decision. Because, he really loved Lucifer. And, how can you be so unfairly cruel to something, or someone, you claim to love?]

Nine Lives

There are Nine planets in the skies
and I knew them all, except for one;
The one that forever in the shadow lies
far from the sight of the glowing sun.

Yet from the darkness of its cold,
I can still hear the whispers moan
of Paradise bought and too quickly sold
and Love, lost, let out on loan.

I used to tremble in reckless fear
Not yet bitten, but dreaming of the snake
With vicious fangs that wait to tear
Flesh from bone; until all life forsake.

It took the poison of a painful sting
To learn that men die not so simply
And even then, did those whispers sing
Of things that were, and those that could be.

“What is it that you want?”, I cried
Dawn after dawn, Night after night
And though the whispers never replied
I felt the touch of their hidden light.

“It blinds me”, I lamented, in vain
Turning from the offending source
“If you only wish to cause me pain,
be gone, haunt me no more”.

But shadows hold no more mercy
Than the dawn of the first light
And for all its talk of blasphemous heresy
It is forever followed by the darkest night.

I stumbled on, darker into the eve
Knowing not what I seemed to seek
And in despair, it appeared I grieved
The loss of innocence, and all that was meek.

My vision grew blurry, senses failed me,
till I knew not right from wrong
I called for mercy, someone to save me
But there was only that haunted, tiring song.

“Enough! I’ve had, I shall run no more”
I said to myself as I stood my ground
And that is when I knew I’d been here before
The source of the Whispers I had found.

One life is all that’s given, they said
To those who know better than to disbelieve.
But Nine lives are saved for the Wretched
For the wretched have no right to reprieve.

And as I stood there in the setting sun
Feeling no warmth from the fading glow
I knew that I was created to burn,
Eight times fast, once soft and slow..