The I of the Storm

13.10.2012

I have a confession to make.
Yes, I’m afraid there is just the one;
You see, I’ve run out of time,
I’m afraid of the morning, afraid of the sun.

You must understand the urgency,
it keeps me from rhyming;
but, as you would know, best of all,
It really is all in the timing.

I think I have a penchant for being distressed;
It seems as if I thrive in chaos, relish in the pain;
On good days, it seems like a clever battle plan,
Oh, Hide in the sunlight, only to fight in the rain?

After all, I am no girl; only a storm wearing skin,
and you were just the only place that i had left to go;
but you are always found out by your sins,
and, on your door, i shall cast a shadow nevermore.

But as i leave, i would just say one thing?
and i hope that you will understand my turning,
Is it such a crime to welcome the rain
when you find your world just won’t stop burning?

Song as Sung by Prince Lir to Lady Amalthea, from “The Last Unicorn” (by Peter S. Beagle)

“When I was a young man, and very well thought of,
I couldn’t ask aught that the ladies denied.
I nibbled their hearts like a handful of raisins,
And I never spoke love but I knew that I lied.

“But I said to myself, ‘Ah, they none of them know
The secret I shelter and savor and save.
I wait for the one who will see through my seeming,
And I’ll know when I love by the way I behave.’

“The years drifted over like clouds in the heavens;
The ladies went by me like snow on the wind.
I charmed and I cheated, deceived and dissembled,
And I sinned, and I sinned, and I sinned, and I sinned.

“But I said to myself, ‘Ah, they none of them see
There’s part of me pure as the whisk of a wave.
My lady is late, but she’ll find I’ve been faithful,
And I’ll know when I love by the way I behave.’

“At last came a lady both knowing and tender,
Saying, ‘You’re not at all what they take you to be.’
I betrayed her before she had quite finished speaking,
And she swallowed cold poison and jumped in the sea.

“And I say to myself, when there’s time for a word,
As I gracefully grow more debauched and depraved,
‘Ah, love may be strong, but a habit is stronger,
And I knew when I loved by the way I behaved.”

The End

Sorrow, like an albatross
hangs about my throat
Watching with possessive eyes
as on my own words, I choke.

I have always said I craved to be
at the least, more than free
But freedom is its strongest chain
So much larger than me

Yes, we do what we must
that alone is true
And you don’t love me
But I’ll always love you.

So, I hold you no ill will
No wishes of regret
Just promise me one thing,
that you will never forget..

Songs of light, chains of gold
And flowers of twisted steel
A seashore that weeps and weeps
And things that time can never heal

I know, you did what you had to
so that you could be free
Now, darling, be reasonable
And expect no lesser from me

I have loved you for ages
And never thought I’d find thee
here of all places,
quietly waiting for me

So forgive me for not taking the hint
Forgive me for being unable to flee
Forgive me for bothering you with the truth
But I cannot go, and I will not leave

And as the sun rises on my setting heart
I know this burden is mine alone to bear
How long, how long, will I slide?
I do not know, and you cannot care

Avenging Expectations

Dated: Mid 2013

I know that you expect

Songs of vengeance and fire

Clinging complaints of neglect

But, my love, I am tired..

.

I know you still expect

Accusations of cruelty

But pleading for attention

Has never been my specialty

.

I could clutch at your hand

and keep asking you why

I could say I still cared

And I could try and cry

.

But, baby, if you want me gone,

Well then, tell me, who am I?

Who am I to ask to stay?

Baby, who am I to ask why?

.

And I could chase some fantasy

And hope that half of it comes true

Or maybe find the man of my dreams

Except on nights I dream of you

.

And in the midst of all your fire

I crave only to burn

Like a torch to some inner darkness

That only I have earned

.

And I would make my way to you

Come rain-storms or hell-fire

Not for empty words

Only all my form desires

.

And if you asked me to leave

I would pack my bags and go

Live out forgotten fantasies

Hidden behind some nameless door

.

Maybe I’d even forget

The sound of your voice

Pretend that when I was leaving

You gave me no choice

.

And maybe I’d forget you too

Though I hope it isn’t so

Or cry into rainy nights

While he holds my body close

.

And I cannot help but wonder

Whether his skin, too, would be smooth as ice

And I can’t help but wonder

If any other fire would ever suffice.

.

You owe me nothing

And I owe nothing to you

And in this nothingness what we choose to give

Is all that must be true

.

So if lessons and space are what I’ve earned

Tell me, of what shall I complain?

When I would give you my immortality

What price is mortal pain?

Molten

I cannot hold you in my hands anymore
Flowing out of my veins, like lava in flames
Shining like an intense ocean of red and gold
if I choose to burn, is it not only I who is to blame?

Though sometimes I still dream of that very first time
That my ice-cold soul felt the burn of your skin
Around your fingers, you wrapped my reeling mind
Leaving my edges on steam, and my core, molten.

And you should know I’ve been melting ever since
First in cracks that trickled, then in streams that screamed
And I wonder if you ever truly were the lost prince
Or simply a lord from some nightmarish tale I once dreamed.

My love, how can I follow you any further into this night?
When I know not the way through the depths of your mind
I set out following the treacherous moon and its light
Only to leave myself somewhere too far behind.

And now the embers falling from my skin
from all the places we have touched
are all I have to light my way of sin
Not enough, but always too much

I like to believe I’ll catch up with you sometime
Before going up in flames, or melting out of sight
And if being too weak to help you was my only crime
Then I hope at least my pyre provides you with light.

 

Bleeding Light

In the arch of her back,
At the corner of his mind,
With all the things they have lost
and dare not hope to find
lies one last chance at redemption
flickering slowly out of sight
But he resolutely faces the other way,
while she stands, blinded by the light.

It was so much brighter once,
before her eyes grew used to this dark
whilst he nourished the flame as long as he could,
until the constant vigilance left its mark
And now he stands, unmoved, decided,
even as she begs him to reconsider
As the flame of all that once was lies dying,
promising to leave them both embittered.

Why won’t he listen? Why won’t he save it?
Girl, wipe those questions of grief off your face
What you weep for is long long gone
nor will this once raging fire leave a trace.
Except that scar, around your heart,
where the wire cut you deepest
There is no shame in falling down,
when the height you chose was the steepest.

I know you won’t stop wishing for miracles,
nor stop needing the way he breathes
I wish I could show you the truth,
because, in the end, everyone leaves.
But you know that, my dearest girl,
Isn’t that why you bleed yourself to sleep?
Ah, you’ll miss the pain when the numbness starts,
Remember not to go too deep.

The Lost

Yesterday drifts through the mind
With memories of winter and frost
The signposts have been left behind,
But not the anguish of the lost

I knew a man, who had sailed the sea
and I asked him to be my guide
He told me of a better World
But I think he may have lied

For I live in palaces, always golden
but the real World waits just outside
Where poverty is bought and stolen
and it’s justice that’s denied.

All by myself, what is it I can do?
I asked both the brave and wise
You do what you can, you do what you must
But first you must survive.

Ah, surviving is half the war
That much, I swear, is true
And what mountains will I ever scale,
If that alone is too much to do?

And it was in those trials of ice and fire
That I first met the One I desired
And it was in those trials of fire and ice
That I lost not just once, but also twice

But that is a story for a different day
for first he showed me what I must do
It’s true, my Lord must have his way
But, my lonely soul, you must, too

So I walked on edges, watched and guided
Like a princess of Blood and Fire
Until the kingdom burned, and my Lord decided
that my feet deserved glass and wire

And it was I who hung up my dreams
In strings and strings of rope
It was I who set my kingdom on fire
It was I who strangled hope

Forgive me, forgive this dithering child
Every step I take turns into a mistake
I loved you, and the way you smiled
And it’s my own heart I most callously break

For now you no longer smile for me
I have transformed into all that is wrong
In breaking vows to reach where you sleep
I am no longer worthy of your song.

In colder times, you held my hand
You walked me home, said you understand
I remember winters, white, covered in frost
Ice and Fire, and the things that I have lost.

You will always mean, what you did to me
On that morning so old and golden
Before you could tell, and before I could see
just how irreparably I lay broken.

Aag, the Fire

You know it isn’t right to talk of rain,
when the sky is blue, on such a wonderful day
A bird in April is worth two in May
Worry not, there’s no such thing as pain without gain

Yes, I know how you don’t believe in beautiful days
Yes, I remember how the fiercest storms left you unphased
You wore your mask well, always there, just fitted in place
But, I know you have secrets for I’ve seen your eyes ablaze

The World is cruel, but you don’t have to be
They eat each other alive, but we didn’t have to die
The mountains are lovely, but I love the sea
I might never escape, but God damn me, I’ll try

For there’s an aag* dying to live, that’s burning in me
And I never stopped being a creature of fire
I left home looking for gardens of glee
And I wearily tire of your funeral pyre.

Yes, I love you, but you know why I can’t stay
Yes, I’m leaving, but you will always be what I crave
When you’ve said it all, there’s nothing left to say
And I’ll let our little secrets lead me to my grave

You lit a fire in me, and now I won’t stop blazing
The night is cool, but my soul is raging
I’m tired of this game, tired of all this chasing
Our forms are young, but my spirit is aging

I wanted laughter, and happiness, not a reason to be brave
Don’t tell me what to do; don’t tell me how to behave.
Remind me of nights spent condemning Universes we’d saved?
And I tire of all these moments that so coldly refuse to end
and your voice, hoarse and low, ‘Fire is the Devil’s only friend.’

Philosophy: The Quest for the Truth

The quest for the absolute truth
Is that what philosophy is about?
I know I cannot be certain
but I think I have to find out.
Nearly twenty winters ago,
when I was a different girl
I thought Happiness was
surely the answer to the World.
But in the years intervening,
I’m afraid the word lost its meaning,
and I thought maybe  it was Purpose that I was after.
But, Death was the next obsession I found
and in shadows, I would sleeplessly wait around,
until I decided to die drenched only in the brightest Laughter.
But, Adventure‘s always had
a  different sort of hold over me
And, in the middle of dodging games with blurry cars
I thought only a dangerous life was one worthy to lead.
I had a taste of Love in the middle,
and found it just as bitter as I had always suspected
Before going on to realize
that it was only Freedom that I’d ever perfected.
And, somewhere between holding hands
and arguing about wars that waged on the streets.
In the midst of you, and you alone,
I found the best in me.
And, I thought to myself that it had begun to seem
that all I’d ever wanted, fought for and been
The only thing that ever held any appeal
is what was true, what was Real.
But, I lived in my head for far too long
to be capable of any such undertaking
Besides, what was so real about the way
your Winter left my entire world shaking?

I don’t want what I used to,
and I barely need anything anymore
The only thing I want is the Truth,
pardon me for being dramatic or hardcore.
So, I’m not quite certain
what Philosophy is about
But, I heard that if it’s the Truth you seek,
only Philosophy can help you out.
I’m disillusioned with Science and its motives,
Religion’s always been a scam
With just one life on this damn planet
Isn’t it important to know the Truth of who I am?