6th October 2008
Leave me alone…
Were those not your last words to me, dear Sayuri?
They must have been.
I still remember that night you know…
It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.
I could have asked.
I should have said something.
Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!
Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.
And you smiled back.
Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?
That you cared enough to try and smile for me even though you were sad…
Though, I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you…
Still, as you walked away in that light rain
with the shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the dark night in your inky black dress…
I thought that there was still a chance that we could fix the mess we had made.
Thought things were finally getting better…
I didn’t say a word.
And the next morning they told me you were dead.
Wait a minute Sayuri darling.
Let me pour myself a drink. It’s been too long.
And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!
Sorry, where was I?
I remember the day we spent at the beach
It seems like such a long long time ago
Akane was there too, along with him.
That was nice.
We laughed a lot, all of us.
Sang silly songs all the way there and back.
And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.
As if nothing had been broken.
Like you could not see the past anymore.
And I don’t know if that hurt or helped.
But, I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face
and I liked the black dress you wore…
like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...
Another drink, Sayuri.
Just hold on.
No, I’m not drinking too much.
Just another shot…
You know what?
I wish I knew you before…
Before all the pills, and the drinking…
I know you’d be mad at me for saying this
I know you would say it would have been the same…
But would it have?
Maybe then you would have said you loved me
Maybe then I would have said the same…
Maybe I would have stopped by that night.
We wouldn’t have had that stupid argument…
Do you remember that night?
I wish I didn’t.
But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice…
And so, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.
I won’t be able to forget the screaming
the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b’day)
the tears that filled up in your eyes – the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall…
I’ll never forget the way you looked at me that night
and the pain…
‘Just leave me alone.’
Want to know a secret?
It wasn’t the screaming that made me leave…
It was that look.
I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you…
and I realized I had.
Over and over,
So, I packed up my bags and left.
Didn’t even kiss you goodbye.
Left you alone, with only your “substances” for company.
Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.
Didn’t even offer to help.
Didn’t bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.
Didn’t say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.
Didn’t say anything when I saw the first bruise.
Didn’t listen to the rumors…
I didn’t know.
I didn’t know he hurt you.
I didn’t want to know.
So… I didn’t.
I don’t know why I smiled at you last night, Sayuri.
Perhaps I thought it was finally time.
Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.
But I didn’t say a word…
Would things be different if I had spoken to you?
Would it have changed anything?
Would they still find your body in that bathtub?
I wonder what the last thing you thought of was…
Were you scared?
Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?
Did it hurt?
Leave me alone…
Those were your last words to me…
and I wish I had never listened…