401

i may not be an especially bad person.

but i am a terrible human.

or terrible at being human. whatever.

I try.

but it’s all trying.

like having to remember to breathe.

like having to remember to breathe.

I’m tired.

I’ve been tired for so long.

I have somewhere to go now though.

Some place to walk towards.

And, I might be crawling, but it’s only and towards The Light.

The shadow to my shadow.

god, i miss you so much.

sigh.

how many more nights must I stay up?

(before I can see you again…)

.

.

.

(401)

Ending Infinity

There was a place not too long in the past

Where all our goodbyes, I know I was still counting

But now that we are here, long past the last

I look back but cannot seem to place the ending

.

It seems I can’t even speak of the end

Without taking a trip back to the beginning

Like I can’t even begin to pretend

To separate all of the sin from the sinning

.

Maybe it’s just all the blood on my hands

Ledger Red that I cannot seem to leave behind

In shades of the memories I can’t stand

Like a tune that will not stop playing in my mind

.

Perhaps you truly were looking for peace

Even if you had a strange way of showing it

With all your threats to bring me to my knees

And always on the verge of throwing it

.

It used to make me want to laugh, you know

How your blade in my throat was your idea of peace

But before I was caught in that undertow

For far longer, it only made me want to weep

.

How did we even get here, I wonder

We, who used to hold each other so carefully

How could we tear each other asunder?

How did we even reach that place of no mercy?

.

Maybe you did just want bloodless and kind

Maybe I was the one turning battles to wars

For the blood on my hands may be more mine

But I wish none of it at all had to be yours

.

There was a place, not long ago, I know

Where I was still counting all our goodbyes

But nothing of it remains any more

Nothing true, but not even any of our lies.

.

Begun: December 2016

Finished: April 2022

Edited: August 2023

Forgive Me

please

won’t you

listen to me?

once upon a time

a lifetime or two ago now

i chose to burn in the name of love

but the truth is that I just liked fire too much

anything and everything I set myself ablaze for was just an excuse

fear, and loathing, rage, and respite, despair, and joy, and especially distraction

those were just reasons I came up with to justify all my endless arsonist tendencies

Love was just my favourite excuse, because only it felt like an equivalent exchange

but there’s nothing equal about destruction, and I have always known that

i just pretended otherwise because I so liked the thrill of feeling alive

for when not burning, I spent all my time with shadows & ghosts

not necessarily always cruel, but always cold, and suffocating

i liked how fire was both lighter and more brutal than I

not much has ever been, not in any way I could ever accept

but fire, like the sea, or moon, always felt familiar

like a home I have only ever had in people I leave

behind, ahead, in the past, future, inside even

places and times don’t make sense to me

very little feels real at all, to be honest

but I’ve learnt to live with it all

in blood and ash and pain

as also pure numbness

i think that’s why

i loved burning

so much

Sorry.

Waking Up

The room was dark, except for the silver light of an oversized moon streaming in through a shattered window. A young child stood in its path, with tousled brown hair that rustled with the wind, his shadow looming ahead of him.

The boy’s gaze was fixed upon a single object on the floor. A woman’s shoe, white, but spattered with something that glistened red in a sudden flash of lightning.

Just beyond the boy, and his shadow, and the shoe, was a door, slightly open. Barely an inch. The boy knew he should go to it, but couldn’t seem to get himself to move away from the only source of light in that dark and empty house. Even as he stood there with his fists clenched, as if trying to will the very sun into rising in the middle of the night, the faint light around him began to grow even fainter. With terror writ large on his tearful face, he turned slowly towards the window, only to watch the last of the storm clouds blot out the moon, leaving him alone in the absolute dark.

The thought of crying out for help didn’t even strike him.

There was no one left to call out to.

Dante woke up with a start, only to let out a gasp-turned-hiss as the sudden move twisted something at his side. Heart thudding furiously, he tried to blink away the pain, his mind simultaneously registering the light of a soft lamp burning beside him. His first feeling was one of overwhelming relief. Quickly followed by confusion. He didn’t own a bedside table. Come to think of it, the bed he was in was a lot softer than he was used to as well.

He tried sitting up again, slower this time, exhaling gratefully when he managed to do so without feeling like his insides were tearing. Wincing at the returning memories of the previous evening’s encounter, and berating himself for his foolishness, he glanced about him, taking in the room that was both familiar yet not. Spacious, but still barely furnished, with the large bed he was occupying and two small tables on each side of it the only real pieces of furniture. There was an armchair by the window, but it looked like it had been dragged in from elsewhere. He then noticed the glass of water by the lamp, – what he assumed was water, anyway – and grabbed at it gratefully. He’d just finished gulping it down when the door opened (with an audible click, noted Dante), and Ruilian walked in.

“Oh, good, you’re awake”

“Hi”, said Dante, sounding just as sheepish as he felt in that moment.

“Hi, yourself”, said Ruilian, walking up to his side and shooting him a wry smile. “We have got to stop meeting like this.” He paused for a moment, forcing Dante to tilt his head up to look at him, before carefully sitting down on the edge of the bed so as to not shake it.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay.”

Ruilian raised one shapely eyebrow before shooting a pointed look at his freshly bandaged side.

Dante flushed and waved it away. “It’s nothing. Just got into a scuffle. Umm, sorry for the trouble.”

“A scuffle”, repeated Ruilian, in a voice so mild that Daniel wasn’t sure if he was imagining the underlying fury. Damn. He couldn’t even blame Ruilian. Dante was quite furious with himself too. Of all the places he could have dragged himself to, why did it have to be this door? And it didn’t help that his memory of the previous evening was disjointed at best. The last thing he remembered was knocking on Ruilian’s door. He had been pretty certain he had passed out immediately after. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Yeah… I… Sorry, but I don’t remember much from last night…” He trailed off, suddenly feeling unfairly small, as he often did in the older man’s presence. I am a Police Officer, he reminded himself. Graduated with the highest score the Academy has ever seen. Promoted twice in a year. Have the highest arrests second year running.

But somehow, under Lian’s withering glare, none of that seemed to matter.

Something in his face must have reflected how he was feeling, because Lian’s face abruptly softened before he turned away, staring into the light of the lamp.

Dante followed his gaze. That lamp was lit for you, his brain supplied helpfully, even as he struggled with piecing together what had happened last night. He remembered how much you hate waking up in the dark.

“You showed up here, just after midnight, slurring. I thought you were drunk.”

Dante felt the blood rushing to his face. “Sorry.”

It was Ruilian’s turn to wave Dante’s words away. “Don’t worry about it. Makes us even.”

Dante looked up at him sharply. “How?”

Ruilian seemed taken aback at the intensity of Dante’s question. They stared at each other for a moment that slowly seemed to stretch out too long.

Ruilian was the first to look away, “I suppose you wouldn’t be interested in telling me how you got that?”

Inevitability

The first time they met, the setting sun shone brightly for a moment, blinding after days of dark storm clouds.

Much later, in that twilight place, no golden sun marked their next meeting, only the crimson of spilled blood.

Now, after all these years, that past reaches out; a river of red amidst a sea of black.

There have been as many storms in the skies above, as have been at their feet below.

And more blood spilled than either of them could have ever even imagined, let alone wanted.

Not that it matters much, now, caught in ocean currents, borne ceaselessly into the future.

Once, they believed in the inevitability of them, of finding their way back, always.

For however dark the road, brighter were the lights that lit their way.

But, most water, like all time, can only flow in one direction.

And there is no going back, not for them, not anymore.

Which is probably for the best, all said and done.

For even if it wasn’t wholly dark and bloody.

Even if the sun shone, bright and golden.

Even if they were truly happy, once

It was only ever, always, momentarily

For nothing gold can last

Especially not the past

So, sail forward.

Bloodied, golden.

Alone.

Live.

Die.

Be.

Of Darkness and the Fires of Hell

The rainy afternoon is cold and dark

And I do thank the sun for this respite

Because as vital as it may well be

Sometimes exhausting is this blasted light

And I must admit, I have always been

A creature of the night and of the dark

Though you adorned me in shiny metals

One can never light up a broken heart

A heart that beats only for the darkness

When all the world lies dreaming in their sleep

For tis only at night that what you know

Is not as vital as what you believe

There are other reasons, there always are

But they are really not worth it to dwell

Suffice it to say, it was I that lit the fire

Damned my own darkness, and self, to the light of hell.

Make sure he rapes NO other girl.

‘𝕀𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦’𝕣𝕖 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕞𝕠𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕨𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕟’𝕤 𝕓𝕖𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕠𝕣 𝕥𝕠 𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕖, 𝕪𝕠𝕦’𝕣𝕖 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕒𝕪𝕚𝕟𝕘 “𝕞𝕒𝕜𝕖 𝕤𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕙𝕖 𝕣𝕒𝕡𝕖𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕘𝕚𝕣𝕝”.’

Why do rapists rape?

Most rapists rape because they believe they will not be punished for it.

Not because they can’t control themselves (for they manage just fine around authority figures like cops / witnesses / cctvs), and not because of whatever their victim may or may not be wearing (or no one would be raping babies / women in burqas / schoolboys).

But because they think – they KNOW – that they are extremely likely – systemically – to get away with it.

So, men (and women), please stop making it all about you / your honour in “avenging” assaulted victims by unreal threats of castration and extrajudicial killings and even death sentences.

[And please know that I know that (at least some of) you do have the best intentions, and are speaking from a place of genuine sympathy -if not empathy. But ask any woman: she’d rather not be raped in the first place than have to be assaulted AND then have you torture and / or kill her rapist.

+ Not to mention the well documented psychological effect of a greater reluctance to convict, the harsher the punishment – and many judges (and most cops) already think even jail is too harsh a sentence for “common” rape].

More importantly, PLEASE stop putting the onus of prevention of assault on women (and little girls, ffs), and PLEASE save your lectures for your shitty mates and associates.

Instead of laughing at their gross sexist garbage (- even if you tell yourself you’re laughing at them, and not with them). For, might #notALLmen be rapists, but #ALLmen sure af know some.* And harsh truth? Most of you enable them. With your casual misogyny that is just bonding locker room “harmless” talk for you. But ends up further encouraging and normalising such disturbing ideas in the minds of such men.

So do something about _that_, instead of lecturing your female friends in the hope that rapists will assault random more vulnerable women instead of those you care about. 🙏🏼

This has been a PSA.

Thanks for listening. 🙏🏼

*And if you are actually unsure about who these male friends in your circles are, just ask your female friends. Or simply observe who they try and avoid being alone with. But if they can’t even trust you enough to speak of the same, go take a good hard long look in the mirror, and who you call your “friends”. It is quite literally the LEAST you could freaking do. 🙏🏼

‘𝕋𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕒𝕝𝕨𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕓𝕖 𝕒 𝕘𝕚𝕣𝕝 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕚𝕤 𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕤𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕣, 𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕤𝕖𝕔𝕦𝕣𝕖, 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕗𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕤 𝕨𝕒𝕝𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕚𝕟 𝕒 𝕕𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕖𝕣 𝕡𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕠𝕨𝕟. 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕒𝕗𝕖 𝕒𝕤 𝕞𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕒𝕤 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕞𝕖 𝕤𝕒𝕗𝕖.’

Always

*𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘳 (/𝘧𝘪𝘷𝘦) 𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘦𝘭 𝘮𝘶𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘭 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘴𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘨𝘰 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵*

𝑀𝑦 𝑝𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑖𝑜𝑢𝑠 darlings…

𝑁𝑜𝑡 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔, 𝑏𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑦 𝑡𝑜𝑜

𝑀𝑦 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝑎𝑙𝑘𝑠 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑦𝑜𝑢.

The One Thing

Is it really so difficult to do?
The one thing I truly ask of you?
Anything for me, you’d always say
So please leave me alone, get out of my way.

There’s nothing for you here,
and my patience is thinning.
I’m tired of your lies,
this cycle of atonement and sinning.
Go where you must,
you know i will not stop you,
turn into fire or dust,
there’s nothing left to be true to.
Continue or cease breathing,
Just leave me alone.
Your heart may be bleeding,
but mine has turned to stone.

And i shall not ask again
so don’t mistake this for a request
You may want to haunt the city of men,
but, leave me to find my rest.
And, so, don’t come knocking on my door.
for if you do, you’ll find it barred.
You may delight in sleeping on the cold hard floor,
but i’ve had my fill of scars.
And, i know you think, you truly believe
that my hatred will come to an end,
but what you want, you will never receive
And you will think thrice before calling me a friend.

So, please, leave me alone and get out of my way.
Anything for me, you would always say
Then why is it so hard for you to do
the one thing that i truly ask of you?

.
Prompt: First three lines from 14.03.2013