It breaks my heart
to wrap you up
only to have to put you away
But, my love of loves
I have no choice
If it is sane that I must stay
I’ve tried my best
to love you whole
and shower you in pieces of my heart
But they bother you,
poke your eye and soul
and you’d rather be safe and far
Well, I’ll let you go
I am no chain
Only a lost, forlorn, ebbing tide
I came to you
jagged and broken,
and bleeding on the inside
And you fixed me up
with the calmest voice
and laughter that I still hear at night
Only to leave me there
on that darkening shore
Lost in the dazzle of your light
Where do I go?
Won’t someone let me know?
I tire of this sunless, deafening dawn
Bring back the dark
and your softest touch
Or at least tell me the words to your song..
The one I heard
When all was quiet
drowning out the voices in my head
That swallow me whole
and laugh at my fight
and whisper how they’d like to see me dead
Oh, we all must die
that is no lie
but must I do it so far away from you?
Burned and blinded
Lost and wounded
And still searching the seas for the truth
For I had found it once
in the shade of your smile
and the color of your loudest voice
Claim me now
or send me the tide
and end this illusion of choice.
It’s always cold
This ache, it grows
There’s only ice in your veins of stone
You light your fires
and dance and desire
but it’s all only games of the throne
The ocean calls
in a voice so low
I know it isn’t in me to ignore
The mountains hear
my whispered vows
judging me as I turn to go
Do I really have a choice?
You pillars of stone!
Have any of you left me with anywhere I can go?
You fill your lands
with pain and lies
and then wonder why my answer is always No.
No, I am done with you
You Earth of cold
And your endless cycle of lies
The ocean calls
In words that are true
and remembers the truth you all so conveniently deny
So let me go
I don’t want to stay
trapped in your den of vice
My sins, they bleed
My goodness weeps
For hell is as much fire as it is ice.
You’ve lingered too long,
my girl of stone
and your powers
have begun to fade
The grass is green
and the sky is blue
but now you’re
only made of Jade.
And you think you know
what you do
But the truth is
my girl, you don’t have a clue
Your sins find you out
Have no doubt
And they’re not quite
exactly done with you.
Yesterday drifts through the mind
With memories of winter and frost
The signposts have been left behind,
But not the anguish of the lost
I knew a man, who had sailed the sea
and I asked him to be my guide
He told me of a better World
But I think he may have lied
For I live in palaces, always golden
but the real World waits just outside
Where poverty is bought and stolen
and it’s justice that’s denied.
All by myself, what is it I can do?
I asked both the brave and wise
You do what you can, you do what you must
But first you must survive.
Ah, surviving is half the war
That much, I swear, is true
And what mountains will I ever scale,
If that alone is too much to do?
And it was in those trials of ice and fire
That I first met the One I desired
And it was in those trials of fire and ice
That I lost not just once, but also twice
But that is a story for a different day
for first he showed me what I must do
It’s true, my Lord must have his way
But, my lonely soul, you must, too
So I walked on edges, watched and guided
Like a princess of Blood and Fire
Until the kingdom burned, and my Lord decided
that my feet deserved glass and wire
And it was I who hung up my dreams
In strings and strings of rope
It was I who set my kingdom on fire
It was I who strangled hope
Forgive me, forgive this dithering child
Every step I take turns into a mistake
I loved you, and the way you smiled
And it’s my own heart I most callously break
For now you no longer smile for me
I have transformed into all that is wrong
In breaking vows to reach where you sleep
I am no longer worthy of your song.
In colder times, you held my hand
You walked me home, said you understand
I remember winters, white, covered in frost
Ice and Fire, and the things that I have lost.
You will always mean, what you did to me
On that morning so old and golden
Before you could tell, and before I could see
just how irreparably I lay broken.
What do you do when faced with life’s most persistent question: Stay or Go?
To Stay would mean swallowing your pride, perhaps even apologizing. Staying would mean trying to forget the shape and color of the knife that you barely managed to pull out of your throat. Staying means lowering your voice, walking on eggshells, and never being able to find the level of happiness you knew before you learnt that it could all be too easily destroyed. Staying means betraying yourself, with sugar-coated lies, and reassurances that your mind whispers to you all day long. Things were different back then. He didn’t mean it. This time is different. Staying means the constant reminder of the time you were confused, like a song that you had to train yourself not to cry at, or a milkshake that you had to stop drinking because it reminded you of him. Staying is pain.
To go would mean having the opportunity to start over. Leaving will allow you to relearn things, experience them all – all over again – with someone new. Leavng means being able to say at the very begnning, “Don’t hang up on me. I fucking hate people who do that.” Leaving means being free to pick a new favorite flavor of ice-cream, a new favorite song, even a new favorite scene from any move you like. Leaving means new adventures, new faces, new reasons to laugh and rejoice and celebrate life. Leaving shows you that you’re stronger than anything life may throw in your path. Leaving assures you that you’re still what’s most important to you – something that’s a lot more necessary than one might think. Leaving means movng on, forging your own path, letting go, growing up, seizing the day.
But, leaving can also be cold.. especially when everywhere else in the World seems dark and lightless. And when your very being likes where it is, leaving isn’t so much about moving forward, as it is about grabbing on to soul’s soft hair, and wrenching it out of its warm bath, only to drag it far and beyond everything it has known and grown to love. Leaving is about goodbyes that you *have* to say, and more importantly, goodbyes that you do not know how to say. About farewells that find you kicking and screaming as you try to hang on, and those that are so exhausting that they leave you curled up in a corner, too tired to even cry. Leaving involves the long walk down the driveway, every step of which is wracked with guilt, blame and regret. With doubts and despair. With the sinking feeling you get when you realize that it doesn’t matter how much time, effort, money or love you put into whatever it was that you must now say goodbye to – it clearly wasn’t enough. Not good enough. You weren’t good enough. Leaving is about accepting defeat, and moving on.
Yet, sometimes you have to linger.. Whether it be by your pool, or by the flowers you so painstakingly planted, even if it is for no other reason than to see them bloom. Even if they aren’t even your flowers anymore. Even if the Sun shines hurtfully, or you’re trapped in the pouring rain, or it begins to snow.. Staying doesn’t need the rewards leaving gives you, because being able to stay is by itself a reward. It gives you time to say your proper goodbyes, to apologize to those that hurt you, to kiss the pet animals you’ve rescued over the years, and tell the children to be good, and to pack up the things you know you’ll need, and pack away the things that have outlived their purpose. Staying, whether it be for minutes, months or years, acknowledges the time you spent trying to build up this castle for your spirit. It accepts the apologies you’re compelled to make every time you see a crack in the wall. It teaches you how you could have done things differently, and how you could have saved it all.
Only thing to remember is not to linger too long.
Because your soul needs its hot water bath and familiar surroundings, even if you have to build them up from scratch.
Your soul needs the reassurance of knowing that you won’t be kicked out to the curb again.
Your soul needs a place to plant flowers, and giggle deliriously and be kissed by someone who cares about you so very much, that they would never ever leave you out in the cold.
Don’t linger too long. Your soul deserves better.
Freedom is exhausting
sighed the flame to the warm winter breeze
Please, scoffed the wispy wind
Like you know what it’s like to be free!
Of course I do, said the incensed flame
Boy, you don’t have a clue
and in a puff of indignation
Once shimmered, then withdrew.
It’s not that I don’t trust you,
said the Wind after a long pause
It’s just that you’re my sister,
and you tend to love things with claws
So what if I do, snarled the flame
accidentally setting things on fire
I thought freedom was all about
doing whatever your heart desires!
Stop that, said the wind, alarmed,
puffing after scattered embers
Burn the whole place down if you like
but even the Earth remembers!
You say now that you like it here,
but don’t notice your voice is fading
and every vow there was ever to keep
you’ve already thought of betraying!
So, tell me that you need to stay
and I won’t force you to leave..
but don’t tell me it makes you glad
It’s too much for me to believe!
The flame sputtered, then began to fade
as the wind floated on gently down
I didn’t mean to make you sad
I’m just tired of watching you drown.
Don’t you see how deep I’ve fallen
quietly said the spirit of fire
and all I can do is burn and burn
to the end of my heart’s desire
There’s always a way, said the windy faye
if you’d just stop burning to see
The World is wide, and we are young
And you were born to burn free!
But then something dark and twisted
crawled slowly within the hill,
the fiery faye crouched to the ground
and bade the wind to be still
I need some time, fiercely hissed the flame
This is just something I must do
There are things that need to be sorted out
And secrets I cannot even tell you
Abandon your quest, sister dear
vehemently whispered the wiser wind
As the flame circled the darkness below
and then looked up one last time to grin
No! cried out the willful wind
as the night came between the friends
And the flame’s parting words
echoed like some lost sentence
The lies are lies, and the truth is truth
Sister, there is no choice to make
I willingly gave all that I did
and what’s left is mine to take
And the wind, she howled, in a voice so fine
that even the Earth did shake
for what’s born of fire cannot be undone
but even the strongest spell can break.
In crimson leaves from long ago
Lie shadows of things I used to know
Under the branches of the lilac tree
Where I knew you, and you knew me
I watch our shadows as they dance,
Wistful remnants of a long lost chance
I sit still in dull, insipid wonder
Fearing rain, but craving thunder
And as the night begins to grow
I wish I had the strength to go
But I cannot leave our pasts at play
You may go, but I must stay..