there’s too much.
to think of, to worry about, to rise above, to go under, to drown in, to shake off.
there’s words, work, war.
dreams, love, the maw.
i sink, deeper.
deeper,
deeper.
i feel guilty even for my nightmares
because i get to wake up to safety and drink clean water
even if i can’t go back to sleep
knowing my nightmares are someone’s reality
choking on smoke i can see only through the screen
tasting blood in my mouth that doesn’t belong to me
hearing screams in my head so loud that the silence only makes me crazy
and all those children’s faces haunt me
their blank eyes, whether from death or pain or misery
or from hell fire that has sunk till the bone
i once wanted one of my own
but that was before I saw the world for what i now know
and i would rather die than give this world any of my children
i would rather die than give any of my children this world
but those children, someone’s children, loved children, little children, they already exist
or did
fuck
it is hard not to hate, I agree
but also easier now than before, at least for me
because hating requires anger
and now when I reach for my notoriously relentless rage, all i find instead is grief
drowning me
like the water they don’t have
like the blood they have too much of
like the dust that always floats in the air like poisoned snow
and i’m just so
tired
for that too, I feel guilty
and there is no peace
without lying to yourself
i won’t lie to myself,
I say, knowing through it all that the fact I can think that coherently and not dissolve into tears, slowly drying up like the fields over which a layer of dust lies so thick, not even all the bodies can fertilize it…
means that I already am
lying
again
always
i want to leave
but there’s nowhere far away enough to be
and for this too, I feel guilty
because I am not the one being bombed out of my home and everything I know and love
and I am not the one doing the killing
but what am I doing to stop it?
there’s nothing I’m doing to stop it
what can I do to stop it??
And if there is nothing, does there also have to be nowhere?
I wish I could go live on the moon
where no one can hurt anyone because no one else exists
and I want to look at earth from that distance and go insane from loneliness
not from grief
not from helplessness
not from guilt.
empathy is the enemy, he once said
all his friends are dead
so he probably knew what he meant
all I know is that I don’t really care about anything
I don’t want to water the plants or raise children or rescue animals or save the world
raise plants or rescue children or save animals
raise animals rescue the world save the children
i just want someone to do it all so I don’t have to watch anything suffer
i just want to go somewhere where existing doesn’t hurt
and I feel guilty for that too.
because I’m not hurting. not really.
just going insane
rendered incapable of anything but pacing in circles until it’s time to lie awake for hours, listening to these cries that I can’t separate from things I’ve seen and things I’ve known and things I’ve dreamed
no place left for things I’ve been
let alone things I am or could be
i… still… am
tired
guilty
sorry.
.
forgive me.