Dreaming Woes

The dreams are back.

I don’t want to call them nightmares.

Maybe because, to me, nightmares have always been things of blood and darkness and never having enough air.

But I’m so tired of dreaming of grief.

I’ve always believed dreams are things your subconscious mind is trying to tell you. And I’ve always been pretty good at understanding them.

But these days, I have no idea what it is that a part of me is apparently trying to tell the rest of me. Or vice versa. I don’t know…

Or maybe I don’t want to know…

It just feels like I’m running out of time. And I’m just so tired of waking up sad.

Even the relief of knowing none of it was real has long faded. Leaving me with nothing but this overwhelming numbness.

Because the dream may fade, may never have been real. But the feelings stay.

They won’t go away.

And I’m just so tired of all this grief…

To be Or…

What does it mean to be?

Not human or even oneself, but to exist, in all your sums and parts and then the things that exist in between and beyond those.

I have never been able to answer this question.

Some times I’m too far away from everything in existence, and some times I’m too deep into one small fragmented aspect of being.

The distance above, the depth below, it’s like I keep oscillating between the two. Like between the nothingness of a space where I could explode from everything I try and contain within in the absence of a world outside, or the pressure of a depth that squeezes the life out of me, leaving me breathing in nothing but whatever it is that surrounds me so completely – something that I can not survive on.

There’s no air, there’s never any air. Then how am I always on fire? And if I’m always burning, why do I then forever feel like I’m drowning?

I mean all of this in a very abstract state, by the way. The years have seeped the feelings out of me. There’s no urgency, no pain, not even any regret. I can only feel the medium I exist in.

But then again, hasn’t that always been how it’s been? O

Only thing that’s really changed is that I’ve stopped pretending to accept it, and really have.

I think…

Sometimes I feel like an alien lost on some foreign world. Sometimes like I’m the only one that should be here.

Does that sound vain? I don’t know. I don’t feel vain. I don’t feel much anything, tbh.

Just out of place.

Like I just don’t know how to reconcile the world inside with the one outside my head.

I don’t know why.

It’s not like I’m hurting or even angry. Like I said, things have never been better. I’ve never been more sorted and balanced and stable and sane. And happy.

But even that leaves me feeling weird. Because while I’ve always been disconnected, at least I knew who I was.

My rage. My pain. Even my confusion. These were the colours my soul was always painted in, as far as I can remember.

Who am I now?

Am I even any more?

Descartes said he knows he is because he thinks. But what if that’s part of the illusion? The thinking, as much as the being…

I think the problem is that I don’t know what I want.

But that’s not entirely true.

I do want things. It’s just that, in the absence of any certainty as to who I am now, I don’t know what it is I truly want and what is only part of the illusion.

Though, I guess this has always been true too…

I don’t know how to end this… Confession?

I was gonna say rant, but that’s not what this is. Not even a confession, really. Nor a plea.

Maybe it’s just a fact.

Maybe it’s not even that.

… I think, though, as long as I want to at least ask myself these questions, no matter how distant or deep the answers, whether they exist or don’t, whether they change Or never come… So long as I have the questions, I am here.

Anything and everything exists in three parts.

I think as long as we can be one and not close ourselves off against the second, the third will happen automatically.

Pain, destruction, creation, confusion. These are only words for necessary phases of being.

I don’t mind going with the flow.

I’m just worried at how unworried I am about merging into the stream.

And I can’t tell whether it stems from too much or too little of something.

Nor what any of it means.

I’ll figure it out though.

Or not.

But as long as it’s still fun to try, I guess it’s not all meaningless just yet.

Like the clever boy said, we live, so we love.

Indeed. We live.

So we love.

And we love,

So we live.

đź’š

Something Just Like This

It was well after midnight by the time he got back home. Julius, alert as ever, bless him, had the door open before he’d even made it up the deliberately dimly lit driveway. The house itself was dark and silent, the others clearly having had retired for the night.

Ruilian allowed the large man to take his thin coat off his shoulders, which he did as gently as he always did. The familiar gesture soothed some of the restlessness that had been clamouring in his soul all evening, and he almost sighed out loud. As much as he loved the Langs, he was glad that he didn’t have to deal with them right now. They’d helped him when he was at his worst, and he would never forget that. But Julius was the only one that knew who he used to be, before. Before his hands, and his soul, were tainted with this darkness that seemed to rub off on everything and everyone he came close to…

“Will you be wanting dinner?”, asked Julius, breaking Ruilian out of his rapid descent into melancholy. “Depends, are you planning to cook?”Ruilian’s tired and near automatic attempt at banter earned him an unamused look in return. Julius’ cooking skills, or rather lack thereof, were a common running joke in the household. “Lee already did. And Lin insisted on putting some of it upstairs for your friend too, since you were clearly running late.”

Ruilian picked up on what was being implied. He’d shown up two days ago with an armful of bleeding broken boy, and it was only Lin’s medical training that had made sure he hadn’t ended up dying on Ruilian’s living room floor. Afterwards, Julius had carried him upstairs and laid him on Ruilian’s bed – it being the only room fitted with electricity so far. And it was Lixin who had since been looking up and cooking up every kind of healing broth that he could think of. Ruilian might have been the one to bring the kid home, but it was too late for him to be asking the others not to get involved. Cop or not, he wasn’t just Ruilian’s problem anymore.

He expected the guilt, but not the accompanying rush of gratitude, and had to actually blink away the surge of emotions that threatened to suddenly overwhelm him. He cleared his throat, “Thanks, no, I already ate.” He ran a hand through his hair, suddenly aware of just how exhausted he felt. “How is he?” He wouldn’t dare be so candid in front of anyone else, not even the Lang siblings, but Julius didn’t even blink. “He was still asleep when Lin went up there. Though it’s been a few hours…”

Ruilian turned to the stairway, and Julius bowed, “If there’s nothing else…” “Yeah, I mean, no”, said Ruilian. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Get some sleep.” One curt nod, a concerned glance that they both pretended hadn’t been leveled, and Julius was gone. Leaving Ruilian with nothing to do but go up and see how his newly acquired mystery charge was faring.

Dante, the boy had said his name was. Ruilian wasn’t sure if that was a fake name. And, frankly, at that point, he had hardly cared. The boy had finally woken up that morning, after a day and a half of teetering on the edge of a more permanent kind of sleep, even as Ruilian alternated between pacing the room and perching on the edge of the chair that a concerned Lixin had dragged upstairs, mentally cursing the Golden Tigers throughout. This kind of mindless brutality was precisely the reason he had never considered joining them, despite the obvious advantages.

What he tried not to do was wonder how and why he had gotten so involved. Fine, he could justify not leaving the boy to his death. But why did the thought of him never waking up again leave him feeling this cold inexplicable dread? He didn’t even know the guy.

In his years with the Company, despite playing a role that had him barely on the frontline, Ruilian had seen enough men die. Some mere boys, just as young or maybe even younger than the one breathing so shallow before him. But there was something about the way the boy had obviously fought through the kind of odds Ruilian could barely stand to think about, only to leave himself at the latter’s mercy.

And he couldn’t stop thinking about that smile.

The only rest he’d had was when he nodded off in that uncomfortable chair a few hours before dawn and woke up to Lin standing over him with fresh bandages and insisting he leave the room for a bit so that she could work in peace. He knew she was only trying to trick him into getting some real sleep, but he was tired enough not to argue. He’d stumbled into the newly delivered couch that was still lying at the bottom of the stairway and actually managed to sleep for a few hours until the morning sun climbed high enough to shine its rays through a high window and directly on to his face.

At which point he’d stumbled back upstairs, ready to argue with Lin if she tried to send him away again. Except she’d taken one look at him, quietly nodded to herself and gathered all her equipment, telling him that she had done all that she could and that the worst seemed to be in the past but that she couldn’t promise anything. It was the gentleness in her voice that had scared him more than anything.

So when the boy finally opened his eyes, only to squint them against the late morning sunlight streaming through the window, Ruilian found himself rushing about to draw the curtains and help him to some water, more relieved than he wanted to admit even to himself. And when the boy identified himself in a low groggy voice as Dante, Ruilian accepted it without question.

He had been prepared for all sorts of awkward questions himself, ranging from his identity to why Ruilian had decided to bring him to what was obviously his home instead of taking him to a hospital or, god, a police station, but thankfully the boy had had nothing to say beyond a quiet thank you. Worrying that perhaps he was worse off than he appeared (- as if that were even possible, said the voice in his head harshly recounting Lin’s clipped account of three broken ribs, a gunshot wound, all the accompanying blood loss and a concussion)- Ruilian asked if there was someone he could contact for him, family perhaps? Dante had sat there looking blankly into space, for long enough that Ruilian grew even more concerned, before shaking his head softly and then wincing as if even that little movement hurt. “No, there’s no one.”

Not knowing how to react to that, nor to the complicated tangle of emotions he was feeling, Ruilian had excused himself from the room, only to return with Lin and all the food he could carry. Introducing her as the doctor that had patched him up, Ruilian watched him shrink from her even as he dutifully repeated his thanks. Lin seemed to pick up on his discomfort and assured him that she only wanted to make sure that he was out of danger so could she please just check his vitals. Dante seemed as surprised as Ruilian felt – she had most certainly never asked his permission before poking at him – but assented. By the time she was done, he even managed a polite smile, though it was a shadow of the one Ruilian remembered.

“Well?”, asked Ruilian, following her into the corridor.

“He needs to eat. And rest. I don’t even know how he’s awake, let alone sitting up.”

“But he’ll be alright?”

She looked at him, exasperated. Then her expression softened. “Yeah, long as he doesn’t move about too much and lets the worst of his injuries heal. He’s a tough kid, wherever you picked him up from.”

A pointed pause. Ruilian smiled his sweetest smile at her. She waited another second before snapping, “God, Zan, tell me he’s not a Golden Tiger.”

“He’s not a Golden Tiger.”

She stared at him for a little longer, obviously trying to tell if he was lying to her. “Whatever”, she finally growled. “Get him to eat A-Shin’s soup. And then sleep.”

“Yes, doctor”, said Ruilian, giving her a three finger promise. “Any other instructions?”

“Yes. Be careful.”

Ruilian almost laughed at that. The boy was practically covered in bandages. Like some sort of mummy. “Of what?”

She opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it. “Never mind. Just… be careful.”

And, with that, she was gone. “How can I be careful when you won’t tell me what of??” he called after her. Of course, she neither paused nor looked back. Ruilian wondered if he should have told her her that she’d probably just helped save the life of a cop. Knowing her, though, it wouldn’t have made too much of a difference. Hell, she was so nice to him even when she thought he was part of the Tigers. Cops were better than tigers, even if only marginally.

He reopened the door to find Dante sitting up and staring at nothing. But his flushed face made his attempt at eavesdropping obvious. Adorable, thought Ruilian before he could help himself. And suddenly Lin’s parting warning seemed a lot more reasonable than it had moments ago. Making up his mind, he set the tray piled with bowls of soup and bread in front of Dante, and bade him eat up, retreating to the doorway and fully intending to leave after he was done chattering about how Lin was better than any doctor he had ever met and how certain she was that as long as he ate well and rested, he would be fine in no time.

Dante had sat with his long fingers wrapped around the wooden spoon that Ruilian had thrust at him along with the tray, listening without a word, until Ruilian finally stopped rambling long enough to ask what he was waiting for.

Dante’s face flushed. “I don’t like eating alone”, he’d all but mumbled. And despite the rational part of his brain telling him to walk away and to do it quickly, Ruilian found himself pulling up a bowl for himself and settling down on the chair by the bed. He spent the next half hour talking about the most absurd inanities, ranging from the weather to the antics of the short legged cat that had declared itself master of his overgrown garden. And was rewarded by the occasional smile from Dante that never failed to remind him of the one he had given him when they had first run into each other – literally. He was dying to know what that had been about, but knew no way to even broach the topic without all the dangerous context.

Regardless, it was worth it. By the time Ruilian had finally talked his way through one small bowl of pork rib and lotus stem soup, Dante had had at least three and was struggling to keep his eyes open. Gently tugging the dishes away, Ruilian had insisted he get some more rest and promised to wake him up for dinner.

Looking a lot less troubled and more human than when he had first woken up, Dante had given him another wan smile, the memory of which Ruilian safely tucked away with all the others, and fallen asleep almost before his head had even hit the pillow.

That, thought Ruilian, guiltily for some reason, was nearly ten hours ago.

Freedom is only a word, but so is Love

Meaningless.
Obsolete.
Stuck in a
memory
Dancing doll,
stop your feet
The song’s long
gone, you see

Irredeemable
Lost in time
A nostalgia
so sublime
Under a red sky
that bled in rhyme
Binding souls
and stopping time

Irrelevant,
it haunts me
in flashes
that taunt me
I am confused
and lonely
The past seems
now so phony

Blitzed sunrises
and stormy nights
In fragments
of darkness and light
They haunt me,
leave me in a fright
And I can’t remember
what you didn’t say that night.

But, devour me
Swallow me whole
Tell me your secrets,
then tell me more
I’ll be your blood
You be my soul
Join me in enlightenment
Free me from this cold

Alas, it’s time
the truth must be set free
I love you, it’s true
But you don’t love me
And love’s only a word
What does it know of how things feel
No, love is overrated
Still, you don’t love me

True Freedom is
its own prison indeed
You’re always a captive
of the things that you need
And wanderers are free too
as long as they have nowhere to be
Ah, perhaps only the lost
can ever truly be free…

The Edge of Chance is the Edge of Destiny

Over the last one year, I’ve been at the edge so often, it doesn’t even thrill me anymore. What edge, you ask? The edge of everything, I say. Surely that’s too vague. But, I do mean it. The edge of life, of sanity, of too much pride and none at all. The edge of being lost forever, of oblivion, of more terrible things. heh. Dramatic as always..

But, lost the thrill, you may ask, how? And more importantly, then why am I still here? Ah, that’s the funny part, you see. I burned all my bridges behind me. One after another. And, I never realized how the further you got from home, the harder it became to find some place safe. But, I know many secrets. And, the biggest one is that you can’t be safe. Not as long as you’re alive.

You can only be lucky.

Maybe that’s the truth about fate too. It applies only to the past, and that’s because the so-called fated are only people who were really lucky.

*laughs* Suddenly God seems so much more reasonable. Anyone would when we’re talking about Lady Luck. Impartial even in her partiality.

I used to be someone else. Someone more. But, in trying to arrive at the heart of any and every matter, to the truth of things, I fear, somehow I’ve gotten rid of too much. And, now, all I have waiting for me is the unbearable lightness of being.

How does any of this matter?

Surely, it doesn’t. Then, why, why, why won’t I back off before I fall off the edge of this planet entirely?

Oh. Wait. That *is* why.

*laughs*

Sometimes, life confuses the hell out of me.

…I would wish that it confuse me out of Hell too, but wishes are the only thing I mistrust more than promises. Because the worst they can do is always the least you can give them – belief. Things that grow darker fueled even by the light are the things you should be afraid of.

And, lastly, because I feel like giving advice even though it’s really funny since I never take my own: Get what you want. No matter what anyone tells you. That way, even if you don’t get it, you’ll be a better person for trying. and, you won’t regret it. Not half as much as you would regret never trying at all. Trust me.*

Peace out!

P.S. On a side note, control over yourself and circumstances, i.e. will and power, are the only two ways you can defend yourself against luck. Which explains all the hunger for power. [Seems humans find that easier than getting a grip on themselves] But, Luck gives with the same hand that she uses to take things away. And, if you protect yourself from her reach, you risk losing more than you gained, which, ironically, is all about Luck.

* Disclaimer: Exceptions maketh the rule!

Insomniac Rant

These words are stuck inside my head, like a snowstorm. Or a storm of swords. If I were to be any freer, I’m afraid I would fall off the planet entirely. Dark or light, cold or warm, safe or in mortal danger, I’m not there. Where is this place? And how do I get out of here? And, if I’ve reached it by getting out of things constantly, maybe I’m just on the absolute outside now.

But, I don’t think Absolutes are so easy anymore. Well, to be fair, I never thought they were easy.. but, now I think they’re just next to impossible.

It isn’t fair, yes, but life is neither meant to be fair, nor does it ever promise to be so. We’re only Star-dust lucky enough to exist in the form of living, breathing, thinking, feeling, communicating life-forms. It’s only a random gift. A lovely gift, but completely random.

Is there any point in fixing anything? When we’re all fated to burn and be forgotten by the outsides of our tiny doomed planet? Yes. Yes, there has to be, because everything must be taken to its logical conclusion. If it is all pointless, then why bother living? You could just kill yourself, for all the eventual difference it would make.
No, if you choose to live, choose to exist, then you are proceeding on the assumption that things matter. You can still choose to ignore that, but don’t pretend you don’t know.

What’s the use of all the gold in the World if all you ever want is a single live flower? What use is all the gold in the world if there’s only one crown that has ever caught your eye?

How do we know what’s important? Isn’t it important to know that?

And, finally, am I seriously the only one who has such issues with time? It slips and flows out of my hands at times, and then melts and stretches and drips at others.

I don’t want secrets. But, no matter what you convert into what, whether it’s a memories into words, or thoughts into songs, or feelings into letters, the Truth is always the same.

What is the Truth?

Shades of You

The eyes that watch you,

are the eyes that trap you;

It’s never really the words that they say.

But, the depths of the real,

are always easier to feel,

when you’ve been to the bottom of the bay.

.

Except, maybe, I suppose, it really is only inevitable
that you would have to drown before you can burn.
And, sometimes in the middle of a particularly fierce goodbye
Is the feeling that you can never return.

.

The last edge of the sky I captured

was a special shade of you

and it’s the only color left that I can see

Everything else is in tones

of gray and blue

and violent streaks of someone who used to be me.

.

And I say this out of nothing, but the deepest respect
Turn around, babe, and walk out of my way.
You’ve proved your case, and made your point.
There’s really no reason for you to stay.

PT. Act II, Scene 2: Do What Thou Wilt

Philosophical Torment: Act II, Scene 2

 

Sartre talks about how all context of human happiness and pride is relative.

Well, more than Sartre, I suppose this phase really had a lot more to do with my good friend, Mave, who has philosophy classes as part of her course.

So, we were talking about how all the feelings we translate, or understand, as happiness, sorrow, betrayal, etc. are all colored heavily through the lens of social conceptions and constructs, i.e., you may own a Ferrari, and be happy about it, but you could be just as happy in any other car if it wasn’t for what a Ferrari connotates. Or, for instance, suppose you are very good friends with Person A, and then A moves away to another city. The feeling of sorrow you feel is a lot because you have learnt, and know, that when someone goes away, you will miss them. Otherwise, you wouldn’t think about it in conceptual forms as much as you would contextually.

Anyway, so, after a long and winded conversation, we reached an impasse where Mave was saying that nothing matters, because in the end, nothing will or does, and I was trying to rationalize that in terms of the purpose of any existing thing, let alone human life.

Are we all purposeless? Is it all pointless? Does it matter? Does anything? Does Nothing?

Apparently, Nothing Matters, which frees you up at a very basic and individual level, I suppose. It doesn’t matter who you anger, or who you hurt, or who you never speak to again. It doesn’t matter where you came from, or where you chose to go, or where you were exiled from. It doesn’t matter what rules you have to break. 

So, I CAN choose to spend the rest of my life locked in a room if that is what I want to do. I can party every night until I die (sigh. sounds dreary as hell). I can kill someone, if I think I have to. I can do absolutely anything I want, because in the end, if nothing matters, then all that matters is what you can see, feel and experience.

So, that makes sense, I guess. But, the above-mentioned impasse was actually this inherent problem with this theory that just wouldn’t quit bothering me: It equates the happiness you derive out of the quest and acquisition of power to that obtained from, say, the setting up of institutions to support the needy.

Mave said that it doesn’t say that you shouldn’t bother trying to change anything for the better, only that your motivations should be intensely personal. I assume in the sense that it makes you happy. But, I’m not sure if I’ve really wrapped my head around that.

Bottom-line being, in a billion years, we are all going to die, wherein we refers to the entire human race. If not a billion, then, whenever. On the pages of the history of time, humanity is a speck of dust. A self-absorbed, obnoxious speck. What is it all for? What are you creating, recording, recreating for?

The only thing that makes sense, is to understand.

The only other thing that makes sense is to not waste a single moment of our singular and precious existence. We have got to spend it all experiencing everything we can. We must! Whether we are rewarded with paradise, or are reborn in other avatars or return to atomic dust, this life is the one life you have. Everybody gets only one.

You get only one. 

Do what thou wilt.