Leave Me Alone

6th October 2008

Leave me alone…

Were those not your last words to me, dear Sayuri?

They must have been.

I still remember that night you know…

It was really cold, and I could tell you had been crying.

I could have asked.

I should have said something.

Asked how you were doing, whether you needed anything, if everything was okay, anything!

Instead, I tilted my new hat at you and nodded.

And you smiled back.

Just a tiny little smile, but it made me really happy, you know?

That you cared enough to try and smile for me even though you were sad…

Though, I know you would have done the same for anyone who smiled at you…

Still, as you walked away in that light rain

with the shadows growing behind you as you walked further into the dark night in your inky black dress…

I thought that there was still a chance that we could fix the mess we had made.

Thought things were finally getting better…

I didn’t say a word.

And the next morning they told me you were dead.

Wait a minute Sayuri darling.

Let me pour myself a drink. It’s been too long.

And where did I keep that damned matchbox?!

Sorry, where was I?

I remember the day we spent at the beach

It seems like such a long long time ago

Akane was there too, along with him.

That was nice.

We laughed a lot, all of us.

Sang silly songs all the way there and back.

And you spoke to me as if everything was fine.

As if nothing had been broken.

Like you could not see the past anymore.

And I don’t know if that hurt or helped.

But, I do know that I liked the way your dark hair flew about your pale face

and I liked the black dress you wore…

like the one you were wearing the last time I saw you...

Another drink, Sayuri.

Just hold on.

No, I’m not drinking too much.

Just another shot…

You know what?

I wish I knew you before…

Before all the pills, and the drinking…

I know you’d be mad at me for saying this

I know you would say it would have been the same…

But would it have?

Maybe then you would have said you loved me

Maybe then I would have said the same…

Maybe I would have stopped by that night.

We wouldn’t have had that stupid argument…

Do you remember that night?

I do.

I wish I didn’t.

But now, I realize that it was the last time I ever heard your voice…

And so, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.

I won’t be able to forget the screaming

the thunder

the shattering of the vase (the crystal one Inari gave you for your b’day)

the yelling

the tears that filled up in your eyes – the ones you rubbed away before they ever had a chance to fall…

I’ll never forget the way you looked at me that night

The anger

the disbelief

and the pain…

‘Just leave me alone.’

Want to know a secret?

It wasn’t the screaming that made me leave…

It was that look.

Your words.

I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you…

and I realized I had.

Over and over,

So, I packed up my bags and left.

Didn’t even kiss you goodbye.

Left you alone, with only your “substances” for company.

Left a shaky you trying to pour a drink into a glass.

Didn’t even offer to help.

Didn’t call.

Didn’t bat an eyelid when that other guy moved in.

Didn’t say a word to you when I ever ran into you anywhere.

Didn’t say anything when I saw the first bruise.

Didn’t listen to the rumors…

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know he hurt you.

I didn’t want to know.

So… I didn’t.

I don’t know why I smiled at you last night, Sayuri.

Perhaps I thought it was finally time.

Maybe it was the fact that it was raining, and I always love you more when it rains.

But I didn’t say a word…

Would things be different if I had spoken to you?

Would it have changed anything?

Would they still find your body in that bathtub?

I wonder what the last thing you thought of was…

Were you scared?

Did you close your eyes when you drew that line?

Did it hurt?

Leave me alone…

Those were your last words to me…

and I wish I had never listened…

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I Can’t Take it Anymore [said the Pied Piper]

The Murdering
The Raping
The Torturing
The Terror
The Violence
The inability to stop involving the children!

There’s this theory scientists are looking into that suggests that our Universe might just be a giant computer program. There’s another theory that says that human beings existed longgg ago, even indulging in Nuclear warfare. All over the world, unexplained, mysterious ancient artifacts have been discovered that at least point towards the fact that we don’t know everything about the past. To me, these two theories could co-exist, as could they with the theory bout aliens watching over our planet. The reason I bring this up is because I like to believe that some of our older tales and information have trickled down from these futuristic ancestors of ours.

For instance, take the story of the Pied Piper of Hamlin. Long story short, there’s a village of lazy, greedy people that get affected by a plague. Being lazy, they do nothing about the situation until it gets utterly out of hand. At which point in the story, the Pied Piper makes his entrance. He plays music for the people, but finds them super-stingy. It’s only the children that stop to listen to him. And, then too, they’re most often dragged away by their parents. Then, noticing a couple of reward-on-getting-rid-of-rats signs, the piper goes to the palace/mayor and claims that he can rid the city of the rats in 2 days (or something). The people smirk at him, and agree.

That night, the Piper gets up, and starts playing a soft tune. He plays in his room for a bit, and then steps out, his lips never leaving the pipe. As he walks through the village, slowly, rats start filing out of hidden nooks and crevices, falling into line behind him. The piper plays and plays, and the rats continue to pour out, as if in a stream, and slowly, yet surely, the piper begins to lead his absurd following towards the river. As he stands by and plays, one after the other, the rats leap off the stone bridge to their doom, and the few villagers awake to witness this, shudder and bar their doors.

The next morning, the piper goes up to the council/mayor and asks for his reward. “What reward?”, says the mayor, feigning ignorance.

The piper’s eyes grow cold. “The rats are gone.”

“Yes, and?”, asked the mayor, even as the greedy, stingy people looked on. “What had you to do with it?”

“I got rid of them, like I said I would.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” said the mayor.

“Are you sure?” asked the piper softly, head bent low so that his cap prevented anyone from looking into his eyes. “You’ll regret this.”

“Are you threatening me?!”, asked the mayor. “Guards!”

The pied piper raised in hands in a non-threatening gesture, and slowly backed out of the packed hall, which let out a collective sigh of relief. Something about that man was very unnerving.

That night, when the inhabitants of the town are fast asleep, a beautiful tune starts to sound in the night air, soft enough to not wake a soul. Except, one by one, in every house, the children start to wake up. Quietly, they drop out of their beds. Stealthily, they sneak out of their homes. One by one, every child turns around and bolts the door shut. The pied piper continues his song, and the children fall in line behind him.

By now, parents have begun to notice their children missing. At first, they worry. Upon finding themselves locked in their little houses, they begin to panic. The fear spreads through the town like wildfire. “Look! There they are!”, screams a little boy’s mother, pressed against her window and pointing out into the distance.

Faint strains of the piper’s song can still be heard by villagers.

“He’s going to drown them!”, sobs another mother, even as her husband falls into a faint.

But the piper turns away from the river where the rats had leapt to their end, and starts moving towards the nearby mountains.

By now, some of the parents have managed to free themselves. Soon, most of the town is free, and they rush up and down, collecting torches and horses to ride out after their children before the night swallowed them whole.

Meanwhile, the children hadn’t looked back once, their eyes focused on their leader with the strange hat and the musical pipe. If any of them had bothered to turn around, they would have been surprised to see how far they had come, certainly further than most of them ever previously had.

Except for one boy. The town’s only cripple, the lame child had fallen behind as the trail of children followed the pied piper up the winding mountain path.

Soon, he was the only one the search party that was sent out to find the kids could see.

The pied piper, along with all the children of the village – they just vanished into thin air. When the distraught parents finally reached the crippled boy,  they found him standing and staring at the side of a mountain, tears streaming down his face. “They didn’t wait for me.”, he finally said, sounding as if his world had shattered.

The parents of the village were inconsolable, and wished that they had done right by the pied piper, but they never saw him, nor any of heir children, ever again.

~~~ The End ~~~

Okay, so that was pretty much long story long, but, well, I like telling stories. And, since it has been forever since I last read the Pied Piper of Hamlin, it’s more like a cover than the real story. I’m sure I got a hundred things wrong. Just think of it as the modern retelling. :\

Anyhow, the reason I brought up the tale of the Pied Piper, as well as the theories about computers/aliens, is: What if this story isn’t just a metaphorical reference to the fact that children will leave you if you stifle their fresher spirits with your jaded talk of wealth while they still believe in dreams?

I personally think it’s an allegorical reference to Moses and his leading of the people into the desert in the quest for the promised land. Or the advent of Christianity after the Jewish community unfairly treated Christ, who dealt with it so well, that nearly all of their children “left” to “follow” him.

Either way, I think if Aliens are involved (or a supercomputer program, or God-like futuristic ancestors), the implications of this story would be a lot more straightforward.. and a lot more sinister.

Treat your children right, or we will take them from you.

If humanity doesn’t change its ways, the planet will either find a way to destroy us, or we, the planet. The virus will most likely affect our ability to reproduce, counting on the barbaric nature of man to ensure it’s spread across the globe.

And we will die.

Sometimes I think that is the only way to stop the screaming in my ears.

How can you stand it?

Sometimes I think that to die would be more of a relief than an adventure..
Especially when I think of the children.
Our descendants should be ashamed of us…
and if they are not, then we should be ashamed of them.

Atrocities against Humanity: Syria – Leave the Kids Alone!

“Images of the killings in and around Baniyas have transfixed Syrians. In one video that residents say shows victims in Ras al-Nabeh, the bodies of at least seven children and several adults lie tangled and bloody on a rain-soaked street. A baby girl, naked from the waist down, stares skyward, tiny hands balled into fists. Her round face is unblemished, but her belly is darkened and her legs and feet are charred into black cinders.”

This is not a scene from the World Wars, or Iraq or Vietnam. This is Syria, today.

Sometimes I think to be a speck of dust would be more noble an existence than being a part of this septic cesspool of filth that calls itself humanity.

And, for all those ready to jump in and point out that a lot worse happens all over the World, and has been happening for centuries, save your breath. That makes nothing better.

It’s, like, at least once a day, I am ashamed of being human. And, don’t ask me to concentrate on all the good things few human beings are doing to help other living beings on this planet (both human and not so) – we’re only fixing what *we* broke. It’s the least we ought to do, considering the most inhuman acts today are carried out by humans.

I don’t even know why this bothers me. But, it does. Perhaps because it’s happening right now. It’s happening as I sit in class, as I play DotA, as I read Game of Thrones, as I sleep and – the children. Why would you murder the children?

It’s all the same everywhere. Are people really inherently evil? I get angry too. If I knew I could get away with it, I’m sure there would be at least a couple of people who would end up dead (okay, 5) But what kind of creature tortures infants, man?

RIP people I never knew, and never will.. May you find better worlds.

TL;DR – Humans suck. Here’s some more proof.

The Hunt

Context – Firstpost India Minor’s rape: Let men who commit such crimes feel hunted

I usually refrain from saying this but

Kill them.

If there were to ever be such a thing as honor killings, this would have to be the context for it. Because these vile, disgusting, depraved individuals who prey on little children, and our nonchalant attitude towards them, are defining our society right now, like it or not. Defining our nation. And, I’m tired of being ashamed of being related to them. Even if only by nationality.

If we want to redeem ourselves, the next man found assaulting a minor, especially sexually, should be instantly killed by the people who discover him. [red handed] Kill him, cut off his head, and mount it on a fucking pole.

Don’t bother with beating him up, or trying to teach him a lesson before killing him, or attempting to make him feel as powerless as his victim was barely moments ago. These men are not just a result of an apathetic, overcrowded, misogynist, sexually hypocritical society; they are like animals who have tasted human flesh. You can’t redeem someone once he stoops to the level of abducting an infant to sexually use and discard. That’s the limit. That’s where empathy ends. It doesn’t matter what the circumstance. If you cannot treat it, you have to kill it, Indian society.

Enough.

 

Note: What I say above does not apply to any society other than India. I mean, maybe it does but I wouldn’t know about it. I doubt it though, because in the USA, as well as the Scandinavian countries, and many others I’m certain, there do exist facilities for the understanding and rehabilitation of individuals who might be actually sick and thus pedophile. However, in India, it’s more about ease of access. And unlikelihood of being caught-tried-punished. And that’s disgusting.

Women’s Day: What are we Celebrating?

What’s there to celebrate?

The women stopped being girls long ago. Now, it’s babies and infants. The men used to talk, and be told, shite about how all women are like their sisters and mothers and daughters. Now they rape their own kids. Or, maybe they always did. Maybe we are that pathetic and depraved. What kind of thought process, what levels of desperation, what kind of an urge makes a group of men pick up a sleeping rag-picker’s baby and decide to rape her? Like beasts in a pack, they legitimize each other’s depraved acts, feeding on the feeling of belonging to the ‘winning side’ for once, because otherwise they are only losing, losing, losing. It isn’t just insecurity, it’s a pathetic shallow envy and gutless, cowardly rage. It surely isn’t about establishing superiority. What superiority does a 24 year old male have to establish over a 3 year old infant? What kind of man rapes his own infant daughter? Or, maybe that’s how impotent we have made our poorest. That they have only enough faith in the system to know that their brutality will probably go unpunished.

And, all in all, men continue to excuse other men because, somewhere, every man has been rejected. And, every man likes to believe that if he had been able to fuck her, she would have liked it. The autonomy of women scares those without power, because the class of people who were at least always below them is moving up and away. The autonomy of women scares those with Power, because we have a population problem, and every resource given to someone marginalized means a resource less for the just-as-grimy hands already pushed up against the gate.

Fix this. Fix this now, India. It’s bad and pathetic enough that it is happening. It’s worse that the Nation doesn’t care. Sooner or later, it’s going to be you or someone you know. Don’t wait for that.

End this shame.
For, there is nothing else left to feel.

Happy Women’s day to everyone in this country who didn’t get raped today. Perhaps that is what we should be celebrating. Perhaps that is what it has come to.

3 year old rag picker’s baby:http://news.oneindia.in/2013/03/07/kerela-3-year-old-gangraped-1165832.html#cmntTop

4 year old daughter: http://ibnlive.in.com/news/bhopal-man-allegedly-rapes-4yearold-daughter-arrested/377363-3-236.html

An apathetic misogynist system: http://ibnlive.in.com/news/a-year-on-dhaula-kuan-rape-survivor-says-the-trial-only-adds-to-her-trauma/377356-3-244.html

Medieval mentalities of the Police force:http://ibnlive.in.com/news/shame-in-khaki-indian-policemen-still-blame-women-for-sexual-violence/377298-3.html

Bewildered policemen (But, why won’t she just stop traveling at night?): http://ibnlive.in.com/news/delhi-bikers-allegedly-molest-woman-journalist-police-tell-her-not-to-travel-at-night/377358-3.html

23 year old who dared reject some creep:http://ibnlive.in.com/news/chennai-acid-attack-victim-dies/372418-62.html

Children are Cruel Creatures

Locked doors,
and whispered warnings
still bite into your skin
Cold floors,
and weekend mornings
and how unforgiving you’d been.
Hidden bruises,
spoke of secrets
you swore you’d never tell.
Violent muses
laugh, and place bets
on how much soul you have left to sell.
And all the while,
you must laugh and smile
lest you be labeled guilty of despair
While sneering faces
with their gaudy graces
struggle to pretend to care.
Lonely open windows
were only as close
as you could get to feeling free
Another place,
another face,
Another place I couldn’t be.

This world is cruel
Apathetic and cold
And not a million belated letters of grief
Can change the truth
That it only grows darker
When each of us refuses to speak

You know what I find disturbing about the whole affair? If you log into twitter right now, and look at the news feed under #Bullying or #Suicide, you see this alarming viciousness amongst a large number of 13-18 year old kids demanding why other people who kill themselves don’t get the same attention. And, at first glance, it might appear to be intolerance towards the sort of attention-seeking behavior attributed to Amanda Todd (another sad example of victim blaming), but, the more you stay on that feed, the more it sounds like there are a 100 kids out there, dying of envy for someone to notice how messed up they feel. And, the scary part is how ruthless and cruel it makes them.

It’s easy to think that you’d never do “something like this” or “something like that” when you’re a kid, but everybody makes a few mistakes. That does not give anybody the right to judge and condemn, and it most certainly does not make it okay that you “don’t feel bad that she’s dead”. Because, the moment you say that it’s okay to bully someone who was “asking for it”, you put yourself, as well as everybody you care about, into the callous hands of society. And, once you grow up, those hands are always going to be wrapped around your throat in varying degrees of tightness anyway. Don’t be cruel to each other just because you feel like you wouldn’t kill yourself if someone said that to you.

You can be as proud as you like of your own strength, but you’re only being a coward when you pick on someone you think is weaker than you.

Be Nice!