Your Wish is My Command

~~

Know this, my tormentor

What is dead to you,

is dead to me.

Goodbye, farewell, my love

and to all, yes, all

that could have been.

~~

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To Stay or To Go

What do you do when faced with life’s most persistent question: Stay or Go?

To Stay would mean swallowing your pride, perhaps even apologizing. Staying would mean trying to forget the shape and color of the knife that you barely managed to pull out of your throat. Staying means lowering your voice, walking on eggshells, and never being able to find the level of happiness you knew before you learnt that it could all be too easily destroyed. Staying means betraying yourself, with sugar-coated lies, and reassurances that your mind whispers to you all day long. Things were different back then. He didn’t mean it. This time is different. Staying means the constant reminder of the time you were confused, like a song that you had to train yourself not to cry at, or a milkshake that you had to stop drinking because it reminded you of him. Staying is pain.

To go would mean having the opportunity to start over. Leaving will allow you to relearn things, experience them all – all over again – with someone new. Leavng means being able to say at the very begnning, “Don’t hang up on me. I fucking hate people who do that.” Leaving means being free to pick a new favorite flavor of ice-cream, a new favorite song, even a new favorite scene from any move you like. Leaving means new adventures, new faces, new reasons to laugh and rejoice and celebrate life. Leaving shows you that you’re stronger than anything life may throw in your path. Leaving assures you that you’re still what’s most important to you – something that’s a lot more necessary than one might think. Leaving means movng on, forging your own path, letting go, growing up, seizing the day.

But, leaving can also be cold.. especially when everywhere else in the World seems dark and lightless. And when your very being likes where it is, leaving isn’t so much about moving forward, as it is about grabbing on to soul’s soft hair, and wrenching it out of its warm bath, only to drag it far and beyond everything it has known and grown to love. Leaving is about goodbyes that you *have* to say, and more importantly, goodbyes that you do not know how to say. About farewells that find you kicking and screaming as you try to hang on, and those that are so exhausting that they leave you curled up in a corner, too tired to even cry. Leaving involves the long walk down the driveway, every step of which is wracked with guilt, blame and regret. With doubts and despair. With the sinking feeling you get when you realize that it doesn’t matter how much time, effort, money or love you put into whatever it was that you must now say goodbye to – it clearly wasn’t enough. Not good enough. You weren’t good enough. Leaving is about accepting defeat, and moving on.

Yet, sometimes you have to linger.. Whether it be by your pool, or by the flowers you so painstakingly planted, even if it is for no other reason than to see them bloom. Even if they aren’t even your flowers anymore. Even if the Sun shines hurtfully, or you’re trapped in the pouring rain, or it begins to snow.. Staying doesn’t need the rewards leaving gives you, because being able to stay is by itself a reward. It gives you time to say your proper goodbyes, to apologize to those that hurt you, to kiss the pet animals you’ve rescued over the years, and tell the children to be good, and to pack up the things you know you’ll need, and pack away the things that have outlived their purpose. Staying, whether it be for minutes, months or years, acknowledges the time you spent trying to build up this castle for your spirit. It accepts the apologies you’re compelled to make every  time you see a crack in the wall. It teaches you how you could have done things differently, and how you could have saved it all.

~

Only thing to remember is not to linger too long.

Because your soul needs its hot water bath and familiar surroundings, even if you have to build them up from scratch.

Your soul needs the reassurance of knowing that you won’t be kicked out to the curb again.

Your soul needs a place to plant flowers, and giggle deliriously and be kissed by someone who cares about you so very much, that they would never ever leave you out in the cold.

Don’t linger too long. Your soul deserves better.

Children are Cruel Creatures

Locked doors,
and whispered warnings
still bite into your skin
Cold floors,
and weekend mornings
and how unforgiving you’d been.
Hidden bruises,
spoke of secrets
you swore you’d never tell.
Violent muses
laugh, and place bets
on how much soul you have left to sell.
And all the while,
you must laugh and smile
lest you be labeled guilty of despair
While sneering faces
with their gaudy graces
struggle to pretend to care.
Lonely open windows
were only as close
as you could get to feeling free
Another place,
another face,
Another place I couldn’t be.

This world is cruel
Apathetic and cold
And not a million belated letters of grief
Can change the truth
That it only grows darker
When each of us refuses to speak

You know what I find disturbing about the whole affair? If you log into twitter right now, and look at the news feed under #Bullying or #Suicide, you see this alarming viciousness amongst a large number of 13-18 year old kids demanding why other people who kill themselves don’t get the same attention. And, at first glance, it might appear to be intolerance towards the sort of attention-seeking behavior attributed to Amanda Todd (another sad example of victim blaming), but, the more you stay on that feed, the more it sounds like there are a 100 kids out there, dying of envy for someone to notice how messed up they feel. And, the scary part is how ruthless and cruel it makes them.

It’s easy to think that you’d never do “something like this” or “something like that” when you’re a kid, but everybody makes a few mistakes. That does not give anybody the right to judge and condemn, and it most certainly does not make it okay that you “don’t feel bad that she’s dead”. Because, the moment you say that it’s okay to bully someone who was “asking for it”, you put yourself, as well as everybody you care about, into the callous hands of society. And, once you grow up, those hands are always going to be wrapped around your throat in varying degrees of tightness anyway. Don’t be cruel to each other just because you feel like you wouldn’t kill yourself if someone said that to you.

You can be as proud as you like of your own strength, but you’re only being a coward when you pick on someone you think is weaker than you.

Be Nice!