Beware the Rose’s thorns

 Her Last Letter to Lord Stone

In this world of pain lies betrayal, you were the only person I ever fully trusted with myself. The only person who learned the truth about me. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why you loathe me so. Because of a weakness I shall never have the chance to correct. Because I had already disappointed you before you had ever even laid eyes on me, even though I redeemed myself from the image of the life you once thought I’d lead… Even though you were straight fingered and caught in your own pots of honey back then. While I, while I drowned in endless rain.

Sinister thoughts overcome my mind sometimes. Maybe that’s why I hate white. Or maybe that’s why I prefer the color of skin when it is devoid of any color except undertones of blue and white. But then I remember other paler faces, and I know that that’s not true. (Is this when I’m supposed to feel relieved?)

Remember when we were flung out so far in that distant painted phony looking sky? When we laughed so hard that I began to cry, like I always do when I can’t stand how happy I am, and you wiped away every last tear even as we fell freely to the ground that was so so so far beneath us. Whispering over and over, Don’t cry, sweetheart, I’ve caught you.

Except I took too long to fall, and the ground was actually an ocean, and the ocean swallowed you whole, and made you see me from a whole new point of view, and you could tell how broken and damaged and worthless I truly was. And I could not find you. Can not find you. Because you do not want me to, and no one can reach you while you’re gone.

And I’ve followed you into this ocean, beloved. This ocean of ash and dust. You cannot turn your back on me now. Not after all this time. Not after everything we’ve been through together. Not after everything I have been through in your name!

But now I see just how this test was designed for me to fail. How the past year was designed to lead to no other outcome but this. It was clever of you. An almost automatic response, I would assume. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see it happening. But I thought I had more time. I thought I had at least as long as some real betrayal.

If I had known that this is what it would turn into. If I had only known that the easier path would be all that attracted you, that you would rather run from something as simple as pain than stand your ground and be the man you swore you were, if I had known that you would actually choose mediocrity over meaning, as long as it meant the stabilization of your dominance and authority…

My father was right about you.

And this is the price of my disobedience.

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Whose coming do you await? [‘Kiska Rasta Dekhe” – English Translation]

Kiska Rasta Dekhe
Whose arrival do you wait for?

– Kishore Kumar

Kiska Rasta Dekhe
Whom are you awaiting?
Ae Dil Ae Saudaai
Oh, heart; oh, lunatic.
Meelon Hai Khamoshi
For miles around, there is silence
Barson Hai Tanhaai
and for ages, loneliness
Bhuli Duniya Kabhi Ki Tujhe Bhi Mujhe Bhi
The World has long forgotten you, as well as me
Phir Kyon Aankh Bhar Aai
Then why do the eyes tear up?
O Kiska Rasta Dekhe…
O, whose coming do you watch for?
Ae Dil Ae Saudaai
Oh, heart; oh, lunatic.

Koi Bhi Saaya Nahin Raahon Mein
There is no shadow whatsoever on these paths
Koi Bhi Aayega Na Baahon Mein
There’s no one to rush into these arms
Tere Liye Mere Liye Koi Nahin Rone Waala Ho
For you, for me, no one is going to cry
Jhuta Bhi Naata Nahin Chaahon Mein
A false relationship doesn’t even exist in my desires
Tu Hi Kyon Dubaa Rahey Aahon Mein
Why then are you immersed in your sighs?
Koi Kisi Sang Marey Aisa Nahin Hone Waala
That someone actually dies alongside someone else, that isn’t going to happen.
Koi Nahin Jo Yunhi Jahaan Mein Baante Peer Paraee
There is no one who simply, in this world, shares and understands the pain of others.
Ho Kiska Rasta Dekhe…
Whose coming do you watch for?
Ae Dil Ae Saudaai
Oh, heart; oh, lunatic.

Tujhe Kya Beeti Hui Raaton Se
What do you care of the nights that have passed?
Mujhe Kya Khoyi Hui Baaton Se
What do I care of conversations that are lost?
Sej Nahin Chita Sahi Jo Bhi Miley Sona Hoga Ho
If not a bed of roses, a pyre will do. Whatever we get, we must sleep in
Gai Jo Dori Chhuti Haathon Se O
Once the thread has slipped from our hands
Lena Kya Chhute Hue Saathon Se
What have we to do with broken relationships?
Khushi Jahaan Maangi Tuney Wahin Mujhe Rona Hoga
Where you asked for happiness, that’s where I shall have to cry
Na Koi Tera Na Koi Mera Phir Kiski Yaad Aaee
There’s no one who is yours, nor anyone, mine; then who is being remembered?
O Kiska Rasta Dekhe…
Whose coming do you watch for?
Ae Dil Ae Saudaai
Oh, heart; oh, lunatic.