It’s exhausting to be waiting on something terrible to happen, just to shake things up, especially on 3 hours of sleep a night. It’s been so long since I’ve slept fitfully, I think I’m going to start dreaming about it!
On a more serious note, I think I finally understand that what I considered insomnia all these years was barely the tip of the iceberg. Real sleep deprivation is when you are always exhausted, but whenever you do manage to fall asleep, you wake up in a couple of hours, just as tired as you were before, if not more. When you’re always thinking of sleep, and how amazing you remember it to be, but the only time you fall asleep is accidentally. And then you start falling asleep everywhere. Class, autos, movies, while watching TV. Except it’s not really sleep, coz you’re half-aware of what is happening around you.
But, I won’t complain. Who knew that being a zombie could actually help improve the quality of one’s life? But, with 28 hours of class a week, and a level of detachment that would make the Buddha proud, well, I don’t mind the occasional walking into a wall, or the once-in-a-while putting of my wallet in the refrigerator. Sleep deprived is fine by me.
When every minute is equally intolerable, all of time becomes surprisingly easier to bear.
I don’t mean to sound so despairing. Lol. This isn’t half bad. I had forgotten why I had chosen this persona in the first place. It uncomplicates everything. And, my life was in some serious need of uncomplicating.
It’s a different thing that I feel like I’ve been left with nothing.
Note: Cyclops, the pirate kitten I found, has been adopted, said Krishna sir. I hope she’s okay. And happy. And, I’m sorry I never got around to taking a picture of her. As am I for being utterly incapable of taking care of her. But, selfishly, I’m glad that my emotional response system has crashed, because I don’t want to deal with any of reality right now. It’s a horrible place.