I’m not all here.
There’s this film of ash that has covered everything, and I can’t reach anything that is not gray. Maybe I’m not trying. But, I know I was. At some point of time in the past. Now, however, just watching time pass by is exhausting. I never feel hungry or thirsty or sleepy, and when I do eat, drink or sleep, I feel.. relieved. As if I were glad that I remembered.
My flat-mate attributes the alternating between benders and straight and narrow phases, where I only sleep, to an unresolved inner conflict. M-kun thinks I have disengaged from everything that can’t provoke a strong enough reaction, and am refusing to deal with myself. And that since Ak has left, I’ve lost my last mode of interacting with the self.
My theory is that my skewed system of assigning priorities has finally broken-down after years of inappropriate consequences of both good and perverse actions. Or that I have finally truly snapped. Either way, I wouldn’t mind this at all were it only satisfying in any way whatsoever. Instead, all I feel is this tepid discomfort at the empty illusion of freedom I’ve decorated my prison cell with. The one I built myself. While I dream and scheme of open skies.
Where is my mind?
Gham Aur Khushi Mein Farq Na Mehsoos Ho Jahan
Main Dil Ko Us Muqaam Pe Laata Chala Gaya
The place where there’s no difference between sadness and happiness,
that’s the point I kept driving my heart towards.