It took me about 16 years to get around to watching this movie. Despite nearly a decade of being obsessed with Keanu Reeves, six years of which I’ve been at law school. Why now? And, what am I supposed to do with this, now?
“Free will. It’s like butterfly wings: once touched, they never get off the ground. No, I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.” – John Milton
What am I going to do? Whatever I want to? But, what do I want to do? Aaargh! It’s all just a God-damned test! All of fuckin’ everything! Damn it!
Why am I questioning my own existence?
I’m not questioning my existence as much as I’m trying to deal with the fact that I must do whatever I have to in order to reach wherever I want, whenever I want. When I know Nothing. Nothing.
And, that’s why it’s a test, right? Because you first learn the questions, then look for the answers. And everybody fails. That’s why it’s a ‘damned’ test. Lol.
Do we really amuse God? Does God even exist? What the hell are we all doing on this forsaken piece of rock, floating around a giant ball of fire, in endless, growing, empty space?!!
What is everything about?
And, I’m not saying that we know what we want. I don’t have a clue. But, more importantly, how are we supposed to know? You can only make educated guesses as to things that you perceive as making you happy, and chase them. But, with every moment, you change, and things are too static. Thoughts, too dynamic. Words, too easy. Feelings, too complicated and unreliable. Dreams are illusions. Point being, there is nothing trustworthy enough to follow, or chase, or want.
What if you strive towards nothing? Living in the moment is one thing, but does that mean that the meth addict in the tiny shack down the dirty alley is happier than someone who plans everything out for their next day, right down to the tie-pin? The “test”, I don’t mean it in a religious sense of the word. Not even spiritual, bless that poor over-hyped word. I mean, objectively, the action of living is a test. And, it’s a test we’re all designed to fail. We’re designed to fail this test as a species. And, as individuals, we take the fall-out society, after society, after society. Just like society suffers for the sins of individuals. And, that’s the messed up part. That, while society is supposed to be for the betterment of human civilization, the real war, every time, is the individual vs the Society within which he exists. Even if they are hallucinations or virtual realities.
But, yes, I agree with you there. As Decartes said, “I think, therefore I exist.”
Lastly, I’m not in Test mode! I loathe being tested, you know that? I hate it. I mean, I get it if there’s something you want from me. By all means, test me to see whether I would work out. But, it’d be nice if you would first ask me whether I would be okay with giving you whatever it is that you wanted, right? Don’t just test me, assuming the rest will work itself out. Free Will. It’s important to me.
Also, I can’t stop thinking about God, or the Devil. Just like I can’t stop thinking about Good and Evil and Right and War and Death and Innocence and the price of everything, the value of everything. I need to understand everything. I don’t ignore the people around me. But, only because they teach me about all these things. People and their complicated, sinful, joyful lives. Every person is a step closer to the complete view of the World.
What we are, we choose to be. We have every choice imaginable to us. *Everything* is permitted, because nothing is true. Did I already say that? But, it is so so important. You have every choice you can think of; it’s just you to tell yourself doing something is too impossible. Problem is, human kind confuses ends with means. You only have full control over yourself, and how you react to things that befall you. You can’t choose to be happy. But, you can choose to not dwell on the past, or take up a hobby to distract you. You can’t choose to have a loving marriage, but you can choose to marry someone you think you will probably be compatible with/someone you love, and be really nice to them. You can’t choose to die laughing, but you can choose to live laughing, so that death finds you that way, no matter where and when it approaches you.
But, human beings don’t get that. We make wishes, and want happiness, and cry when things don’t go our way. Regardless of the fact that not even a minute fraction of the Universe’s existence ago, we were atomic particles in a gaseous ball of fire a kazillion miles away, and it is just pure, unbelievable Luck that has let us exist in this form – as living breathing organisms with thoughts, memories and the ability to experience things. Everything that happens is good. Because something is better than nothing. And, you have all eternity to be star dust again.
So, my question to your answer stays the same – If everything is about me, then what am I?
What I am is what I choose to be.
(With no clue as to what the basis for my choices should be)